


A Sappy Overwatch Sitcom Where Some Tall Weird Guy and a Stupid Infantile Robot Go On a Holiday Road Trip

by orphan_account



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Cheesy, Gen, Other, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 23:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15254499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: First drafted a couple years ago, during a more innocent (slightly less pubescent) time in my life, I don't think this has aged particularly well if you're used to the batshit insane stuff I'm spewing out now. I'm reposting this mainly for preservation reasons.plot synopsis:it's the title





	A Sappy Overwatch Sitcom Where Some Tall Weird Guy and a Stupid Infantile Robot Go On a Holiday Road Trip

**Author's Note:**

> btw ignore the fact that the accent mark is in the wrong spot in Torbjörn's name throughout the entire story (I forgot which o it was because im an idiot and im just too lazy to fix it now because I don't care about it)

**PUSHOVERWATCH - S1E1**

   
"Reins, Pines, and Automatons"

(The Pilot: Part 1)

  
  
ALONG AN UNNAMED HIGHWAY IN THE SOUTHEAST U.S. - SUNSET

Reinhardt Wilhelm is cruising along in a sleek, futuristic replica of a black 1982 Pontiac Firebird. The car appears to be self driving; it also lacks any tires and simply hovers along the ground. Embedded in a section of the hood is a red LARSON scanner, reflecting across the darkened road as it glows from left to right. 

Reinhardt hardly appears to fit in his seat, but he seems to be in a good mood, regardless. There is a smile gleaming across his hairy face.  

**REINHARDT: (VOICEOVER)**  
Today is an important day.  
The most important day in a long, long time!  
Today is the day I begin my trip...  
A trip to the distant city of Los Angeles!  
There is to be a holiday reunion, between our members!  
(SIGH)   
After the recall, Overwatch has been somewhat... anti-social.   
But this week, things will finally be different.   
Peace will be returned between my brothers and sisters!  
This Thanksgiving, Overwatch shall reunite once again.   
Not only will I see my old companions, I will finally get to meet the newbies, too!

Reinhardt lets out a hearty chuckle. 

**REINHARDT: (VOICEOVER, CONT.)**  
I'm not usually one for the holidays...  
But who can say no to free beer? 

  
ACT I

  
  
EXTERIOR - BROKEN DOWN HOTEL - MORNING    
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2077

Outside of the run-down hotel, Reinhardt is seen pulling up into the cracked parking lot. The building appears to have only two floors, and a few of the interior lights are flickering randomly.

**REINHARDT:**  
Ah. This has to be it.  
What a sad looking place...  
Er, where... where is everyone?

After looking around the parking lot for several minutes, Reinhardt concernedly reaches to the screen inside the car, and calls up a friend.

**REINHARDT:**  
Hey!

**MERCY:**  
Heeey! Rein! Great to hear from you! Are you... doing okay?

**REINHARDT:**  
I am doing GREAT!   
I'm at the hotel, like you asked, but, uh, no one else is here...

**MERCY:**  
What?

**REINHARDT:**  
I'm at the hotel! I thought we were doing a carpool?   
I, uh... I thought I was supposed to pick up some friends?

**MERCY:**  
Yea... uhh... That was yesterday.

There is an awkward pause of silence.

**REINHARDT:**  (IRRITATED, AND CONFUSED)  
Why did you ask me to come today, then...?

**MERCY:**  
Ummmm... You actually were supposed to come today...  
(NERVOUS SNIFFING)  
I'm sorry... I... I didn't want to tell you why...  
But, uhh...  
Bastion's still at the hotel.

**REINHARDT:**  (SHOUTING, SURPRISED)  
WHAT!?

**MERCY:**  
He's been sitting alone in the lobby for almost seventeen hours now.  
Nobody could get him to fit in their car.  
I mean, he probably could've fit, but nobody really wanted to sit next to him. 

**REINHARDT:**  Uhm...

**MERCY:**  
Listen, you don't have to take him, okay? It's up to you.   
I mean, uh, we'd all actually prefer if you left him there.   
I'm... I'm sorry.   
I don't even know how he got invited...  
But I mean, it's your choice.  
So... uhh...  
Bye, I guess?

Mercy hangs up before Reinhardt can even mumble goodbye.

**REINHARDT:**  
You guess?

Reinhardt glances around the car, contemplatively, before caressingly stroking the dash and the seats. He lowers his head, and glares at the hotel doors from the corner of his eye.

**REINHARDT:**  (SOBBING, QUIETLY)  
I... I can't just abandon him...  
But... but my UPHOLSTERY!  
HE'LL TEAR IT TO SHREDS!

 Reinhardt plants his face into the dash before crying profusely. 

**REINHARDT:**  
I... I love this car... so much...  
But... but...  
...I care about Overwatch more.

Reinhardt lifts his face from the dash and wipes his nose. A wet print of his hairy likeness remains on top of the dashboard.   
  
Reinhardt adjusts his posture, and suddenly dons a more serious tone.

**REINHARDT:**  
It... it doesn't matter if someone's bird poops on everything.  
It doesn't matter if they're a social cancer.  
It doesn't matter how capable of genocide they may or may not be!  
If they have the heart, "soul," and determination to join Overwatch...   
...I can not leave them behind!

Reinhardt sighs, then begins to confidently dial Bastion with the car's built-in computer. There is a proud, but somewhat nervous smile on his face.

**REINHARDT:**  
Uhhhh... Hello?

**BASTION:**  (WHISTLING)  
[Hello?] 

**REINHARDT:**  
Hey. You're probably not used to people calling you...  
But, umm... I just wanted to tell you that I'm outside. In the car.  
But not outside the car. The car is outside, and uh, I'm in the car.

**BASTION:**  (BEEPING AND BOOPING)  
[Why are you here...?]

**REINHARDT:**  (CAUTIOUSLY)  
I'm... I'm taking you to the reunion.

**BASTION:**  (CLICKING, WHIRRING, AND WHEEZY MECHANICAL SQUEALING)  
[OH. Finally! The lobbyist was getting ready to call the police.]  
[And the police were getting ready to call the armed forces.]  
[You have no idea how... enthusiastic I am.]

**REINHARDT:**  (THINKING TO HIMSELF)  
Please. Please don't let him get too excited.

**REINHARDT:**   (OUT LOUD, OVER THE PHONE)  
Listen. Just don't try and kill anyone during the trip, okay?   
And uh, don't kill anyone when we arrive, either.  
Just refrain from that altogether.   
It makes things... difficult.

**BASTION:**  
(DISAPPOINTED WHIRRING)

Bastion hangs up, abruptly.   
  
Reinhardt stares quietly at the hotel, before anxiously twiddling with his mustache.

**REINHARDT:**  
I guess this isn't so bad...

Through the car window, Bastion can be seen attempting to leave the hotel. He first tries to squeeze through the door, sideways, only for his gatling cannon to repeatedly bump the surrounding walls. Bastion drops a few suitcases that he had apparently been balancing on himself.  
  
Rein looks on with a mildly amused, and mildly horrified face.  
  
Bastion eventually forces himself out of the building, somehow without damaging the door too noticeably. He inefficiently picks up the suitcases, and rebalances some of them on his shoulder, before approaching the car.  
  
Bastion holds up his left arm to the passenger window. With his only hand, he is holding the suitcase not by the handle; instead, he is holding it like some sort of weapon.  
  
Reinhardt begins to roll the window down, slowly. Occasionally, he rolls the window back up an inch or two, before rolling it back down again. Bastion remains entirely motionless.  

**BASTION:**  
(CONFUSED, INQUISITIVE CLICKING)

**REINHARDT:**  
Eh, just put your stuff in the back seat...  
...BUT BE GENTLE TO THE HAMMER!

Bastion places a suitcase on the roof of the car before promptly ripping open the back door. A deep grating sound can be heard as he crushes the handle and almost rips it off.  
  
Bastion recklessly flings the suitcases as hard as he can, onto Reinhardt's disassembled rocket hammer, before slamming the door so hard that the car hovers a bit to the side. 

**REINHARDT:**  
I'm just not going to say anything.  
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)  
Okay...   
Come on, now... get in...  
We have quite a long ways to go...

Bastion proceeds to rip open the passenger door. He then begins cramming himself into the cabin, legs first, before denting the roof and crushing the entire seat beyond repair. Reinhardt's mouth is agape in terror.  
  
The car's entire right side is now leaning at such an extreme angle that it is actually scraping along the ground. The engine is struggling, sputtering, and chugging as Bastion attempts to forcefully close the door around part of himself. Eventually, the "tires" on the right side of the vehicle gain enough strength to lift the car off the ground again. It still remains crippled under Bastion's weight...  
  
Bastion eventually manages to shut the door, but not without completely crushing every single section of the door's interior. The window is also cracked in several places.  
  
Reinhardt watches quietly. 

**REINHARDT:**  (THINKING TO HIMSELF)  
Maybe... Maybe this actually was a bad idea...

**REINHARDT:**  (OUT LOUD, WITH HIS VOICE SHAKING AND TREMBLING)  
Well, off we go!

For a moment, Reinhardt struggles to get the car to even move.  
  
Bastion shifts around uncomfortably, shaking the entire vehicle. At last, it finally begins to pull forward; Reinhardt cautiously accelerates and turns it back onto the highway.

  
  
INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - NOON

Reinhardt is hunched over grumpily in his seat as the car guides itself along. Bastion is contorted into the passenger side, merrily feeding sunflower seeds to Ganymede.

**GANYMEDE:**  
(MUFFLED CHIRPING)

Sunflower shells begin to accumulate on the carpet.  
  
Rein glances over, mildly annoyed. He remains silent and simply stares as Ganymede consumes more and more seeds. 

**BASTION:**  
(TENDER METALLIC WHEEZING)

After some amount of time, an extremely large mass of sunflower seed husks has accumulated on the floor, and all over Bastion's exterior. There are a few stuck to Reinhardt's jeans as well.  
  
Reinhardt is now glaring at Bastion. He appears to be beyond annoyed, now. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Please stop.

Bastion ceases feeding Ganymede for a few seconds. He turns and tilts his head, and stares blankly and emotionlessly at Reinhardt for a while.  
  
Bastion dumps the entire bag of sunflower seeds on himself.  
  
Reinhardt silently watches as Ganymede resumes feeding.

  
  
EXTERIOR - CONVENIENCE STORE - AFTERNOON

Reinhardt pulls the slick, black car into the convenience store parking lot.   
  
There are no gas pumps; only charging stations and a few other special energy sources. Most of the building's surfaces are covered with screens, displaying holographic advertisements and prices; a small droid is out in front scrubbing the sidewalk. 

**REINHARDT:**  (TO BASTION)  
I've got to use the restroom.  
Stay here, okay? I'll be right back.  
Just... don't mess around... please...

**BASTION:**  
(BOOPS VERBALLY IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT)

Reinhardt exits the vehicle and lovingly caresses the car door, before closing it softly. He strides to the store's entrance, nodding and smiling to the small cleaning droid. It watches Reinhardt for a while before recognizing him and immediately waving to him, excitedly. Reinhardt waves back briefly and the droid squeals.  
  
Bastion stares emotionlessly from the car. Once Reinhardt disappears inside the building, Bastion turns his head at a clean 90 degree angle to gaze directly at the dash.  
  
Curiously, he begins to poke at the various buttons, rapidly and randomly changing the "station."

**INTERNET RADIO:**  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
—got what plants cra—  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
—guaranteed to contain less than 3% of bull seme—  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
—IN THE WATER THAT MAKE THE—  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
—vigilantes around the world resurface.  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
People are literally being—  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
—you're my favorite customer.  
(BRIEF STATIC)  
(BLARING POLICE SIRENS, FOGHORNS, AND CAR CRASH NOISES WITH A VERY STRONGLY SOUTHERN-ACCENTED VOICEOVER)  
—DO YOU OR A LOVED ONE SUFFER FROM ROTARY CANNON DYSFUNCTI—

Bastion instinctively crushes the dash by slugging it with a set of bladed knuckles.

**GANYMEDE:**  
(ALERTED CHIRPING)

**BASTION:**  (ANNOYED CLICKING, BOOPING, AND DEEP ROBOTIC HOWLING)  
[I'm functional, alright? It... it was the sirens. I don't like commercials.]

**GANYMEDE:**  
(PARAKEET-LIKE GRUNTING)

Bastion sits quietly for a few minutes before stretching and twisting his head around. Apparently, he is trying to get a better view of the store's interior, but it's blocked by all the animated windows.

**BASTION:**  (WHISTLING AND BEEPING)  
[How long has Reinhardt been in there, anyway...?]

  
  
INTERIOR - CONVENIENCE STORE

The store's windows are transparent from the inside, despite being animated on the exterior. In the background, Bastion can be seen bobbing around inside the car, shaking the entire thing around.

**REINHARDT:**  
...Yeah. I just needed a moment to get away from him, you know?

Reinhardt is politely chatting to an Omnic cashier, who appears to be slightly intimidated by him. 

**CASHIER:**  
Well, relationships can be pretty difficult.   
Hope things get better for you guys.

**REINHARDT:**  (CONFUSED, YET SLIGHTLY AMUSED)  
Er, Excuse me?  
Wait, you think... you think he's my boyfriend?  
(MUFFLED SNICKERING)  
He's a goddamn Bastion unit.

The cashier briefly glimpses Bastion as the car sways up and down.

**CASHIER:**  
(FRIGHTENED SILENCE)

**REINHARDT:**  
Heh. Listen, I'm as scared of him as you are.  
But he's "my" responsibility, now.   
Overwatch needs all the help we can get these days.

**CASHIER:**  
I thought Overwatch dis—

**REINHARDT:**  (NERVOUSLY)  
Er, Overwatch did definitely, totally disband, yes.   
But we vigilantes and...   
(REINHARDT GLANCES BRIEFLY AT THE CAR AND BASTION)   
other folk still need all the help we can get.

**CASHIER:**  (CONCERNED AND CONFUSED)  
Oh. Okay. I... I see.

**REINHARDT:**  
Don't worry about him, really.   
He's registered, you know. Mostly legal at the moment.

Bastion is now violently rocking from side to side, still unable to see inside the building.

**CASHIER:**  
(AWKWARD SILENCE)

**REINHARDT:**  (THINKING TO SELF)  
Great.   
Now I've got to actually buy something so this doesn't seem so... awkward.

Reinhardt places a small slice of discount chocolate cake on the counter before readying his wallet. The awkward silence carries over the rest of the transaction.  
  
Reinhardt subtly scoffs at the price. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Anyways, uh, thank you...?

**CASHIER:**  
(NO RESPONSE)

The cashier stares worriedly as Reinhardt leaves the counter.

  
  
EXTERIOR - CONVENIENCE STORE - AFTERNOON

As soon as the store's door opens and Reinhardt comes into view, Bastion halts any and all movement.  
  
Reinhardt begins to trot joyfully back to the vehicle, tightly holding the cake in its disposable, biodegradable container. He points and winks at the cleaning droid; the overjoyed bot instantly falls over backwards. Reinhardt grins.

  
INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR

Reinhardt crawls and forces himself back into the Firebird's "driver's" seat, with the joyous expression still plastered on his face.  
  
Reinhardt's smirk instantly droops into frustration and terror upon noticing the broken dashboard. 

**BASTION:**  (HUMMING AND WHIRRING)  
[It was an accident.]

**REINHARDT:**  (SARCASTICALLY)  
I can absolutely see that.  
(REINHARDT SWITCHES BACK TO HIS NORMAL TONE)  
Well, at least the cassette player looks fine.  
Let's see if she still works.

Reinhardt sets the cake on the dash and pulls a pristine cassette from his pocket. It appears to be labelled "Hasselhoff Mix" in golden Sharpie.  
  
He inserts it into the dash's custom-built player.

The first track begins to play. Deep synth begins to build underneath a quiet flute melody: "True Survivor". The electronic drum track kicks in along with the rest of the synth and snares, as Reinhardt tries to resist singing along with David Hasselhoff.

**BASTION:**  (AGGRESSIVELY BEEPING OVER THE MUSIC)  
You use cassettes? You were born in 2015.

**REINHARDT:**  
...I liked antiques when I was little.

Reinhardt opens the cake's packaging and begins to eat it with a used spork, taken from the glovebox. 

**REINHARDT:**  (WITH MOUTH FULL)  
I probably shouldn't have gotten this.   
I didn't want to just go in there without buying anything...   
Uhh...

Reinhardt glances down solemnly at the cake. 

**REINHARDT:**  
It's awfully dry, but hey, what else do you expect from a convenience store?

**BASTION:**  (DEEP WHIRRING)  
[Food poisoning.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...You know Bastion, I think you're actually drier than this cake.

  
INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - NIGHT

**REINHARDT:**  
(SNORES)

**BASTION:**  (BEEPING, BOOPING, WHIRRING, AND VAGUE METALLIC BELLOWING)  
[Rein is such a pushover.]  
[He probably only picked me up because somebody told him to.]  
[Hmm...]  
[He's also oblivious to what I'm saying.]  
[Because he is asleep.]  
[I don't need sleep.]  
[I just watch others, intently, when they sleep.]  
[And if they don't wake up, I talk to myself. Like this.]  
[...You know, I wish I wasn't on the no-fly list.]

There are several minutes of soft, nighttime driving.  
  
Spontaneously, Reinhardt jolts up from his uncomfortable sleeping position, hitting his face on the ceiling.

**REINHARDT:**  (SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS)  
GOOD MORNING!!!

Reinhardt eventually realizes where he is. 

**REINHARDT:**  (TIRED AND SLURRED)  
Oh... it's night...  
Ha... You won't believe this...  
I had a dream where Hasselhoff... he pulled us over...  
Then you uh, killed him.  
Uhh...  
I'm going back to sleep.

Reinhardt instantly face plants into the inactive steering wheel, pressing his hair up against the windshield.

**REINHARDT:**  
(RESUMED SNORES)

**BASTION:**  (MECHANICAL, ELECTRONIC WHEEZING)  
[Pathetic.]

END OF ACT I

 

 

ACT II

  
  
INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - EARLY MORNING    
Wednesday, November 24th, 2077

Bastion begins to "gently" poke Reinhardt on the shoulder.

**BASTION:**  
(BLOOPING)  
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Bastion grabs the collar of Reinhardt's t-shirt, and begins to shake him around violently.

**BASTION:**  
(MECHANICAL SCREAMING)

**REINHARDT:**  
(HORRIFIED GERMAN HUMAN SCREAMING)  
...  
Oh. Good morning.  
Where... where are we?

Reinhardt rubs his eyes and sniffs.

**REINHARDT:**  
We're... already in Colorado?

Reinhardt glances out the window to see rolling, jagged mountains, topped with snow and endless pines. Settlements are few and far between, and the road bends and winds over and along with the unpredictable terrain. At lower altitudes, oaks and birches are growing, with their leaves turned to wondrous fall colors.

**REINHARDT:**  
Mein Gott. It's beautiful out here...  
...  
Oh, look!

Reinhardt points to the GPS on the dash's cracked screen.

**REINHARDT:**  
We are headed right towards a lakeside town!  
I...   
I kind of want to look around there.  
We could... uh... poke around the shops, maybe?  
For fun?

**BASTION:**  (LOW METALLIC SQUEAKING)  
[Meh.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Well, then.  
What would make you interested in going?

**BASTION:**  (WHIRRING)  
[Looting.]

**REINHARDT:**  
(SIGH)  
Well, you'll be doing absolutely none of that, on my watch.  
I mean, come on! This will be fun.  
And if you don't want any fun...  
(SARCASTICALLY) Then I'll just have all of it, myself.

**BASTION**  (DEEP BOOPING):  
[I certainly wouldn't mind. I can just wait in here.]

**REINHARDT:**  
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)  
Aha, you see, I'm not going to let you wait in the car anymore.  
I know you'll rip the doors off or something.  
Remember what happened last time?

Reinhardt motions towards the radio below the GPS.

**BASTION:**  (AGRESSIVE ROBOTIC WHEEZING)  
[I TOLD YOU. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.]

**REINHARDT:**  
(SNIFF)  
Sure, whatever you say—  
(SNEEZE)  
Erm...  
I'm not exactly sure how to enforce this...  
But if you're not going to come with me, you can't wait here.  
I'm just...  
I'll have to find somewhere to sit you down.  
Somewhere where you can't break anything—  
Er, anything except whatever you happen to be sitting on.

Rein points at Bastion and begins to scold him.

**REINHARDT:**  
I'm... I am not going to tolerate any more bad behavior from you!  
I hate having to act like your dad or something.  
(FEARFULLY)  
But I have to, otherwise, you will rip someone's throat out.  
Or set a building on fire.  
Or rip someone's throat out, and then set them on fire, too.

**BASTION:**  (ARTIFICIAL METALLIC SQUEALING)  
[Please stop tempting me.]

**BASTION:**  (THINKING TO SELF)  
Happy place. Find your happy place. Flowers. Wildflowers. Fields. Haha. Look at all.. all of the little deer. All of the little deer, look at 'em... Happy little deer. I just want to eviscerate— er— I want to pet them with the 30mm chain cannon my arm. Yes. Pet all the little deer. Scrape their little hides off with bladed knuckles— Oh, come on... I'll... I'll just feed the songbirds. Yea. Little seeds, little grains, and little human teeth for the little birds. Er, look at all the flowers. Man I love flowers. Human viscera makes for such f-f-fantastic fertilizer...

Bastion is jittering and shaking uncontrollably.

**REINHARDT:**  
You... uh...  
You actually look like you need to take some time and lay back a bit, you know?  
I... honestly...  
I know you won't like this, but...  
I'm not going to give you a choice anymore.  
You're going to come with me.  
We're going to have fun, whether you like it or not.

**BASTION:**  (OUT LOUD; SURREAL ROBOTIC GROWLING)  
[HOW CAN ANYTHING BE FUN, NOW?]

Reinhardt recoils slightly in fear, but he still tries to keep his image as calm as possible.

**REINHARDT:**  
Er, w-what?

**BASTION:**  (METALLIC ROARING)  
[YOU MENTIONED ARSON AND HOMICIDE. I CAN'T SET MY EXPECTATIONS LOWER THAN THAT.]

Reinhardt gawks quietly before avoiding eye contact.  
  
Bastion shakes his head in a lifeless, puppet-like manner. Whether he's just disappointed, or trying to vanquish dark thoughts, is up to interpretation.  
  
Rein continues to avoid eye contact as he redirects the route and pulls the vehicle into the town's limits. After several minutes of cruising he finally locates a good place to park.

EXTERIOR - PARKING LOT - MORNING

Reinhardt sighs again, before killing the engine and nervously exiting the vehicle.  
  
Bastion stares blankly into space for a second, before suddenly kicking open the passenger side door. It's hanging to the car by a thread.  
  
A large mass of sunflower shells and seeds pours out of the car and onto the parking lot as Bastion violently forces and twists himself out of the door. Reinhardt appears to be holding back tears.

**REINHARDT:**  
I... Iuerm... Ehm...  
(REINHARDT CLEARS HIS THROAT)  
Make sure you lock the door before we leave.

Bastion grabs the crumpled edge of the door and slams it so hard that the car rocks back and forth again. The door sticks to the car for a few seconds, before promptly falling off onto the ground. Glass shatters all over.  
  
Reinhardt wipes his face with his shirt, attempting to quiet his sobbing.  
  
Bastion glances down at the car for a second, before grabbing the door and gently placing it back into the frame. He retracts his hand into his forearm, and extends some kind of bundle of devices, tools, and sensors; it includes a laser welding kit that instantly fuses metal by combining heat and the technique of "printing" material directly onto its surface.  
  
Bastion begins repeatedly whacking the edge of the door with his maintenance arm, without even turning it on, until the door is so smashed and flattened that it could not possibly be removed by anyone other than a massive war machine.

**BASTION:**  (AUTOMATED CHIRPING)  
[Good as new.]

Reinhardt's eyelid begins to twitch.

**REINHARDT:**  
I... (SNIFF) I guess we can go look around, now.

Bastion tilts his head and begins to stare emotionlessly to Reinhardt. Bastion begins to advance forward, slowly. Reinhardt backs away a bit.

**REINHARDT:**  
(SHUDDERING AND COUGHING)   
...I believe that both I and the residents of this town would appreciate if you didn't stalk around like some sort of... dinosaur.

**BASTION:**  (DEEP HUMMING)  
[Birds are dinosaurs. I like "bird" better.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...Fine. Everyone knows that, "bird."

  
  
NEW GRAND LAKE CITY - MORNING

Reinhardt and Bastion are trotting along a boardwalk. Reinhardt glares awkwardly at Bastion every now and then; occasionally, he will try walking on his tip toes to match Bastion's height; only to return to his feet and briefly limp in pain moments later.

**BASTION:**  
(BEEP BOOP)

**REINHARDT:**  
...I wish I knew what that meant.

**BASTION:**  (DEPRAVED MECHANICAL WHEEZING AND SHARP, GRATING WHIRRS)

**REINHARDT:**  
...I don't think I want to know what that meant.

Reinhardt glances to the side.

**REINHARDT:**  
Oh, look! A souvenir shop.  
Do you want to check it out?

Bastion stops abruptly, before flinging and rotating himself until he faces directly towards Reinhardt. Then, he begins to stare.

**REINHARDT:**  
Er, nevermind.  
I don't really need your input.  
...  
Just... Just promise me you won't knock anything over.

Bastion tilts his head.

**REINHARDT:**  
And... and don't steal anything, either... Please...  
You remember that Christmas, right?

**BASTION:**  (BOOPING)  
[We don't talk about Xmas '068.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Just... next time you're in a store full of valuables, please don't shove half of them into your chassis before... thru... thrusting your gatli—

**BASTION:**  (REPEATED BOOPING)  
[We don't talk about Xmas '068.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...We don't talk about Xmas '068.  
But we all remember.   
Everyone remembers Xmas '068.  
You know, I still feel bad for the guys that had to clean all of thatup...  
After that, I... I can't believe they let you in during the recall.

**BASTION:**  (MILDLY OFFENDED BEEPING)  
[You guys just like the size of my cannons.]

**REINHARDT:**  
(FAKE COUGHING)  
L-let's just go inside. Please don't bother impaling anyone up through their...  
(REINHARDT WEAKLY CLEARS HIS THROAT)   
N-n-nevermind.

Reinhardt ducks through the glass shop doors. Bastion is bewildered and relieved by the existence of the double doors, and after a few moments, he ducks his way into the building as well.

  
  
INTERIOR - NOVELTY STORE - MORNING

The hipster-ish, human cashier stares wildly at Reinhardt.

**CASHIER:**  
Reinhardt? Are you Reinhardt Wilhelm?  
(SQUEALS OF GLEE)  
THE Reinhardt Wilhelm!?

Reinhardt gives a thumbs up to the cashier, who promptly covers their mouth.

**REINHARDT:**  
Ha, must you even ask?  
I'm the only man with the body of a lion, heart of a man, face of...   
Face of a lion... Er... Heart of a lion...  
Hair of a lion? Body of a man? Fists of a man? Or...  
Was it fists of steel...  
Hair of steel?  
No. It's soft. Umm...  
Lion... lion something...  
(DEEP, AWKWARD MUMBLING)  
I... I messed that up.

The cashier doesn't seem to mind at all. They are grasping their chest, crying, and appear to be nearly suffocating from happiness.

**CASHIER:**  (UNDER BREATH)  
He... he talked to me!

The cashier's tears of joy quickly turn to tears of horror as Bastion starts skipping after Reinhardt, bumping shelves and knocking down sentient racks of animated postcards. A few of the racks stumble back to their feet, trembling with fear.

**BASTION:**  (EXCITED ROBOTIC SCREAMING)  
[Hi! I'm famous too!]

Bastion's joy instantly evaporates the moment he recognizes the cashier's emotional state. Bastion's "tone" suddenly becomes deep, sad, and quiet.

**BASTION:**  (SAD ROBOTIC WEEPING)  
[In-famous, apparently...]

The cashier faints. For a moment, Bastion intrusively contemplates cramming and crushing the entire unattended cash register into himself, but eventually decides against his instinct.  
  
Bastion reluctantly shoves his way through the rest of the small store, and finds Reinhardt looking through more of the postcards.

**BASTION:**  (MELANCHOLY BOOPING AND BLOOPING)  
[Hey, Rein... You remember  Thanksgiving '070?]

**REINHARDT:**  
Eh, I don't categorize dates like you do.   
My memory is old, and not quite perfect... But...  
Is... is that the one where...   
Erm... Didn't you burn down a warehouse...?   
They... because somebody brought turkey...?  
I mean, I know you like birds...  
But Jesus...  
...

**BASTION:**  (SOFT MECHANICAL SHRIEKING)  
[Do you remember the year after that?]

**REINHARDT:**  
Uhh... Oh God...  
We... we celebrated it without you...

**BASTION:**  (REPETITIVE RUMBLING)  
[And the year after that?]

**REINHARDT:**  
That year, Overwatch didn't just celebrate without you...  
They didn't celebrate anything at all...  
Not even Christmas...  
It was like that the next year, too...  
And the next...

Reinhardt appears rather teary eyed.

**BASTION:**  (SOFT BEEPING)  
[Hey, Rein... You remember last year?]

**REINHARDT:**  
Oh. I think... Umm...  
We sent you back to your... umm...  
"Home" in Sweden.  
The laboratories.  
They had to call their air force or something, didn't they?

**BASTION:**  (VAGUELY HUMAN CRYING AND ROBOTIC WHEEZING)  
[Yeah... Not... not even the people who built me think I'm fun at parties...]

Reinhardt takes a moment to stare horrified at Bastion, still trying to comprehend what a crying combat droid sounds like.

**BASTION:**  (CONTINUED BOOPING AND WHEEZING)  
[I... I don't know if I want to go anymore...]

Reinhardt glances around the store, nervously, before leading Bastion to a different section. He begins to browse trinkets.

**REINHARDT:**  
Listen, I am...   
I'm sorry I reminded you about '068.  
Don't be sad, though. It doesn't matter now.  
This year is a chance to... redeem yourself.  
Though I'm... I am not even sure who invited you...  
But you know what?  
It doesn't matter if they invited on accident.  
I actually want you to come, anyway.

Reinhardt smiles nervously.

**REINHARDT:**  
I guess, anyway...  
Erm...  
I don't know.  
I honestly don't even know...

**BASTION:**  
(RASPY SCREECHING AND GRATING ELECTRONIC NOISES)

**REINHARDT:**  
I am going to completely disregard whatever you just said.  
...  
Hey. Heh... Look at this.

Reinhardt points to a lion-shaped wood carving, before picking it up from the shelf and raising it to Bastion's head.

**BASTION:**  
(CURIOUS BEEPING)

**REINHARDT:**  
Umm...   
I'm not sure what you're trying to ask.  
It's a lion. A wooden one.

**BASTION:**  
(AGRESSIVE CURIOUS BEEPING)

**REINHARDT:**  
Uhh...  
...but it's also a bottle opener.

**BASTION:**  (ANNOYED WHIRRING AND BUZZING)  
[I didn't actually expect it to have any function besides looking tacky.]  
[Now it's even more dumb and tacky.]

**REINHARDT:**  
I... I like it.

Reinhardt flips over the price tag and jumps back a bit, before facing away from Bastion and pulling out his wallet. Reinhardt places his thumbprint onto his only credit card and enters a code, while Bastion peers over Rein's shoulder and briefly glimpses a digital reading of his balance.  
  
Reinhardt is in terrible, terrible debt, and seems to only be checking his balance to crudely remind himself of it. He shuts the wallet and returns it to his pocket, before nervously pushing back on his hair.

**REINHARDT:**  
I don't need it, though.

**BASTION:**  (THINKING TO SELF)  
What? Oh my god. Did... Did he spend all of his money on that car? And that fancy jacket he has? Is that all he has? Isn't... he's famous, right? He's famous in a good way, too... He doesn't even murder people, so... How's he in debt? Doesn't Overwatch pay him? They pay me. Does he refuse the pay? What... what's going on...? Oh god. Oh... I... I crushed the car. Fuck. He... He probably can't afford to fix it... And... And he hasn't eaten anything except some cheap cake... Oh... Oh man... He can't even buy food, can he? Man. I should just kill him. Maul 'em... Slather him along the floor like some sort of—

**REINHARDT:**  (DERAILING BASTION'S TRAIN OF THOUGHT)  
I'm... I'm pretty much done here...  
...  
You seem to be a bit cheerier, too.  
Hopefully, you're not in a better mood because you had just thought of another way to murder me.  
...  
(AWKWARD LAUGHING)  
...  
Would you like to check out the other stores?

  
  
INTERIOR - CLOTHING STORE - MORNING

**REINHARDT:**  
Hmph. I doubt any of these shirts would fit me. Look at this!

Reinhardt holds up an XL.

**REINHARDT:**  (SHAKING THE SHIRT AROUND)  
It is like a child's size!   
Look how short it is!  
...  
...What are you doing?

Bastion has attempted to wrap a green patterned bandana on top of his head. He has forced some glasses, with fold-out lenses, crookedly over the front of his "face."

**REINHARDT:**  (LAUGHING)  
That...   
(SNICKERING)   
That probably looks better on you than it would on anyone else!  
...  
(COUGHING)  
Uhh... erm... That... that really sounded like an insult.  
Sorry.  
...  
You know, when you picked those up, I can't believe you actually put them on.  
I thought you were going to try and strangle me with them, or something.

**BASTION:**  (ROBOTIC WHINING)  
[...PLEASE stop giving me ideas.]

INTERIOR - ART STORE - MORNING

Reinhardt is admiring the painted works. Some are of snowy forested scenes; others feature mountains. The majority of them appear to feature old machinery, such as broken down '010s era cars.

**REINHARDT:**  
Ah. I LOVE the nature paintings. Some remind me of home.

**BASTION:**  (MELANCHOLY BUZZING)  
[Yeah... me too...]

Bastion reaches over and motions to a painting of a pebbly pine-forest stream.

**BASTION:**  (INTENTFUL, DEEP WHIRRING)  
[That one looks like a good place to hide a body.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...What?

  
  
INTERIOR - CRAFT STORE - MORNING

**REINHARDT:**  
...I can't help but be honest to you, Bastion.  
That tiara looks pretty good on you.

**BASTION:**  (THINKING TO HIMSELF ABOUT REIN)  
I think it'd look pretty good sticking out of his eye.

Reinhardt is smiling obliviously, still tying to convince himself that taking a 7'3" highly-unstable war droid to a Thanksgiving potluck is a good idea. He is somewhat biased, seeing as how Bastion is currently twirling in circles.

**BASTION:**  (THINKING TO SELF, TWIRLING)  
I’ve... I’ve gotta resist. He’s annoying, squishy, and it’s somewhat difficult to not rip him apart... but I don’t have the heart to make his life even more terrible than it already is. Well, I don't have a heart at all, er... But that's besides the point.

Bastion ceases twirling; he then places the slightly bent tiara back onto the shelf.  
  
Reinhardt chuckles.

**REINHARDT:**  
I don't know how to explain it.   
You haven't tried to break anything or crush me for an entire forty minutes!  
In fact, you don’t seem angry at all!   
Normally you get angry if I so much as look at you too hard.  
...  
You aren’t really that bad; at least not as bad as I've seen you before.   
I guess you’ve been relatively okay the whole trip.   
I mean, I... you’re being so... comparatively nice to me!  
...  
I don't really deserve it, do I?

**BASTION:**  (THINKING TO SELF)  
He really, really doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be on the receiving end of a two second burst from a rotary cannon.  **My**  rotary cannon. Then, he can finally be the writhing pulp of blood and bone splinters he truly deserves to be... You know, when I grow up, I want to be a plane.

**REINHARDT:**  
Bastion, I can tell that you are thinking very deeply and intrusively about my question, and perhaps also thinking about murdering me.   
But the question was rhetorical.  
So uh, please don’t murder me.

**BASTION:**  (OUT LOUD; WHIRRING AND CLICKING)  
[I was actually just thinking that uh, yes; I wholeheartedly believe— despite the fact you’re pathetically lightweight and meek— I should respect your rights such as, umm, basic existence.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Pfft, bullcrap! I know you're trying to be nice to me, you!   
I know you care about me more than that.  
You're... You're like one of the schoolgirls from those old anime I used to watch when I was little.   
Er, young.   
I was still very very large when I was young, so little isn't really an accurate—

Reinhardt's embarrassed ramble trails off into silence as he accidentally makes eye contact with Bastion.  
  
Bastion seems to have taken an extremely large amount of offense from Reinhardt's schoolgirl statement. Bastion is now staring silently, emotionlessly, and absolutely horrifyingly straight into Reinhardt's very being.  
  
Bastion begins to shake and convulse slightly. Reinhardt's knees wobble and he begins to sweat.

**REINHARDT:**  
I’ve... I have really got to use the bathroom, uh, I'll be right back...

Reinhardt dashes as fast as possible to the bathroom, half-waddling and half-sprinting with his legs held together.

**BASTION:**  (WHIRRING, BEEPING, AND ELECTRONICALLY GROWLING)  
[Sometimes I envy the massive majority of humans for not having an urge to bathe in blood and burn civilization the ground.]  
[But I certainly do not envy their urge to defecate from fear.]

**GANYMEDE:**  
Chirp chirp.

**BASTION:**  (BLOOPING)  
[...I actually feel really bad for Rein.]  
[But at the same time, I’m glad for him, because if he had any more than negative dollars I’d have stolen every last cent and dumped his body in the lake.]

**BASTION:**  (BLIPPING)  
[Wait, didn't I already do that to that one guy...?]  
[Back when Rein took a bathroom break in the painting shop...?]

**GANYMEDE:**  
Cheep.

Bastion opens his wrist and extends the extra arm, before removing a few dollar notes from a cavity.

**BASTION:**  (MECHANICAL WHIRRING)  
[I'm... I'm not sure if it's enough...]  
[It's got a bit of... red... on it...]  
[If anyone asks I'll just say it's one of those fancy anti-counterfeit inks, alright?]

**GANYMEDE:**  
Chirp.

Bastion glances at the bathroom in the back to check if Rein is still there. He is.

  
  
BOARDWALK - MORNING

Bastion tramples across the boardwalk, splintering some of it to pieces. He ducks back into the novelty shop.

**BASTION: (VOICEOVER)**  
[Some people, er, me, try to hide their pain by just inflicting it on others.]  
[Using the thrill of power to wall their fear away...]  
[I was always torn between instinct and "who" I wanted to be.]  
[Sometimes I couldn't function without the rush from a kill...]  
...  
[But once I got thrown back into the world, I realized that most people are different.]  
[Even though he's suffered more than I have, Rein is one of those different people.]  
[He doesn't let you see that he's hurt...]  
[He walls his pain away by helping others.]  
[And he does everything he can to make you know he's there to help.]  
[If he can't be happy himself, he'll damn well make sure his friends are happy...]  
[And even "people" like me, he sees as friends.]  
[He can see the good in anyone.]  
[In a way, it makes him lame...]  
[He's literally easy to walk over.]  
[He's just an all-around yes-man.]  
[But in some ways, he's the most respectable person I know...]  
[And it's because he's never afraid to be nice.]  
...  
[I've always been afraid of being nice...]  
[I'm scared to make friends because I don't want to hurt them...]  
[But I've got to try it again.]  
[I can get myself under control.]  
[I can fix everything wrong with myself. For Rein. For Overwatch...]  
...  
[No matter how thrilling it can be to end a thing...]  
[Creating something is worth so much more.]  
...  
[A friendship can't be too hard to make, right?]

END OF ACT II

 

ACT III

INTERIOR - NOVELTY STORE - MORNING

The cashier is cowering behind the counter, shuddering. 

**CASHIER:**    
G-good morning, sir. Madam... Droid. Whatever... you are...

Bastion places the wooden lion onto the counter as gently as he can manage. 

**BASTION:**    
(INDISCERNIBLY RAPID BOOPING AND SCREECHING)

**CASHIER:**    
You... you identify as a what now? 

**BASTION:**    
(INCOMPREHENSIBLE WAR MACHINE VOCALIZATIONS) 

**CASHIER:**    
A... a Thunderbolt II...? Is... is... what is that? 

**BASTION:**    
(VERBAL 30mm GATLING-TYPE CANNON IMPRESSION)

**CASHIER:**  (TREMBLING)  
I'll.. I'll j-just have to take your word for it.  
I... I'm sorry. I can't speak...   
Er, whatever language this is... all that well...

The cashier cautiously reaches above the counter, and takes the lion to scan it. 

**BASTION:**    
(DISSONANT WHISTLING AND "SINGING")

Bastion proudly places nine whole dollars onto the counter, displaying them naively like a good hand of cards. 

**CASHIER:**  (PEEKING OVER THE COUNTER)  
This... this isn't enough, uhh...

**BASTION:**  (SIMPLIFIED ELECTRONIC SCREAMING)  
[IT. IS. FOR. REINHARDT.]

The cashier sobs with both fear and glee as Bastion repeatedly slams his right arm chain cannon onto the counter. The barrel is retracted, but it doesn't really seem to matter. Bastion eventually calms down and ceases to hit the table. 

**CASHIER:**  (SOBBING)   
So uhh... Did I hear Reinhardt?  
Oh, wow, look... Look at that! 

Bastion spins and glances around the room, horrified. 

**CASHIER:**    
Uh, not literally.

The cashier pokes Bastion to regain his attention. 

**CASHIER:**    
I meant, here, check this out...

The cashier reveals the lion's price tag, which happens to be an animated screen. The price ticks down to $7.38. 

**CASHIER:**    
I just added our definitely-not-imaginary Reinhardt discount...  
It's exactly nine dollars, including tax!

Bastion begins to subtly shudder as he grabs the lion from the counter. 

**CASHIER:**  
Would you like us to email your proof of purchase to you, or embed it directly into your blackbo—

Bastion dashes out of the building. He is too excited to duck, and the tip of his gatling cannon and the top of his head simply crush through the trim above the door.

**CASHIER:**  (RELIEVED)  
(SIGH)  
N-n—nevermind.

NEW GRAND LAKE CITY - MORNING

Bastion excitedly stomps through town and over to the parking lot, careful not to crush any screaming and/or fleeing passerby.

Upon approaching the car, Bastion remains oblivious to all of the chipmunks and other various rodents scattered around the mound of sunflower seeds. 

Bastion reaches his arm into the broken window. He rips open the glovebox, and places the lion bottle-opener inside; several more chipmunks can be seen burrowing around on the car's floor.

After placing the lion, Bastion gets rather carried away, and joyously attempts to slide across the hood. Thankfully, he misses most of it, crushing only the very front of the car, before rolling off and over the curb.

Bastion rises to his feet as if nothing happened.

INTERIOR - CRAFT STORE BATHROOM

Reinhardt is sitting on the toilet, constipated and crying. 

**REINHARDT:**  (TALKING TO HIMSELF)  
I just...  
I remember...   
(SNIFFING)  
One of those... things...  
It gave Meyers that same exact look...  
Right before the thing...  
(SOFT SOBBING)  
It just... jammed its knuckles right... right into his neck...  
Ripped... ripped his throat...  
(INCOMPREHENSIBLE MUMBLING AND CRYING)

Reinhardt plants his face into his hands. 

**REINHARDT:**  (STILL TALKING TO HIMSELF)  
I... I know our Bastion is "different." E54...  
B-b-but not always...  
He's not that different...  
Nah. It's fine...  
This time he is okay.  
He is going to be fine.  
It's my fault he's angry, anyway...  
I... I should not have said anything.  
About... anime...  
Oh god I was an awful teenager.

Reinhardt winces and cringes violently. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.  
It is not worth it to talk to him, is it...?  
I don't even know what he's saying half the time...  
Not sure if I want to know, actually...  
(SNIFFING)  
I miss my hammer.  
And my armor.  
Not... not like it'd be practical in any way at all..  
But at least I wouldn't look so damn short next to him.  
(SNIFF)  
It's... I know it's only a small difference, but...  
It's... it's scary being 7' and then being next to somebody taller than you.  
I don't like being scared.  
Er, I'm not scared, actually.  
...  
Definitely not.  
...  
I just want my hammer.  
Damn it.  
I want to hug it.  
HAMMER.  
I WANT TO HUG MY HAMMER.  
HAMMER!  
(WAILING, SCREAMING, AND CRYING)  
I MISS MY HAMMER!!

**WOMAN:**  (OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM DOOR)  
Umm, sir, are you okay?

Reinhardt stares wide-eyed at the door, silently, for at least fifteen whole seconds.

The woman begins to knock loudly. 

**WOMAN:**  
Hello?

**REINHARDT:**  (HORRIFIED)  
I AM VERY BUSY AT THE MOMENT!

There is a long, drawn out silence. Eventually, the shadows of feet move away from the door. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Phew...

Heavy mechanical footsteps and hydraulic systems can be heard crushing the floorboards as they approach. 

**REINHARDT:**  
God damn it Bastion.

Two rather large, jagged shadows appear behind the crack below the door; Reinhardt is too busy to really notice them. 

**BASTION:**  (BOOPING, BLIPPING, AND CHIRPING)  
[Hey, you done yet?]

**REINHARDT:**  
I... umm...

**BASTION:**  (BORED WHIRRING)  
[You've been in there for almost thirty minutes now.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Erm... my apologies.  
I'm in a lot of pain right now...  
Both physically and mentally...

**BASTION:**  (CLICKING AND BUZZING)  
[...Hey, I'm sorry I looked at you like that.]  
[I promise I'm not gonna rip any of your organs out, okay?]

Reinhardt spontaneously begins bawling his eyes out. 

**REINHARDT:**  
(INCOMPREHENSIBLE GERMAN BLUBBERING)  
HE WAS CHOKING BLOOD ALL OVER THE COBBLE.  
(SOBBING)  
IT JUST STOOD THERE HOLDING HIM DOWN.  
(INDISCERNIBLE MUMBLING)  
(GERMAN CURSING AND SCREAMING)  
IT JUST WOULD NOT LET HIM DIE...  
YOU GODDAMN IDIOT, BASTION!  
I HATE YOU!  
I HATE ALL OF YOU!  
DAMMIT!  
WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?  
STOP LISTENING TO ME!  
I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING!

Some of the people in the store direct their attention away from the bathroom door; a few of them start exiting the building. Bastion shuffles uncomfortably.

**REINHARDT:**  (SOBBING QUIETLY)  
Excuse me.  
S-s-sorry.

**BASTION:**  (DEEP WHIRRING)  
[I'm just going to wait here.]

Rolling toilet paper can be heard.

**REINHARDT:**  (SNIFFING)  
When I'm done and I come out of the door, please do not touch me, okay?  
Please...

**BASTION:**  (MELANCHOLY BEEPING)  
[I won't.]  
[I'm sorry.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Why be sorry? It is not your fault.  
I... I don't know what to do anymore...  
Overwatch is probably going to kill me.

**BASTION:**  
(INQUISITIVE BOOPING)

**REINHARDT:**  (SNIFFING)  
I... I'm not sure how to respond to that.  
...Whatever you just said, I mean. I didn't get it.  
Something about killing me, probably...

The faucet can be heard turning on, and then off.

A little while after, Reinhardt opens the door; his face is swollen and still somewhat pink. 

Bastion is standing uncomfortably close to the now open doorway. 

**REINHARDT:**  (MORTIFIED)  
B—... F... Th... You... W-were you right there the entire time?  
Do you ever understand personal space?

**BASTION:**  (QUIET, OFFENDED BOOPING)  
[Do you ever dry your hands?]

**REINHARDT:**  
Do you even wash yours?

Bastion stares silently. 

**REINHARDT:**  
I don't want to know the answer to that, honestly.  
Anyways, I don't like the noises that the hand dryers make...  
They freak me out.

Bastion suddenly jolts his clenched fist into the air right beside Rein's face, before immediately pulling it back. 

**REINHARDT:**  (HORRIFIED AND STAGGERED)  
THAT KIND OF THING FREAKS ME OUT ESPECIALLY.

**BASTION:**  (SOFT, DEEP WHIRRING)  
[Sorry.]  
[It was an accident.]  
...  
[At least I didn't actually punch you, right?]

Rein stares silently.

Rein, shaking uncontrollably, begins to reluctantly poke Bastion.

**REINHARDT:**  
C-c-could you possibly move from the way?

Bastion slowly steps to the side, knocking over several displays. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Th-th-thank you.  
...  
I... I think we really need to get back on the road.  
I'll... I need a moment, though.  
To... to piece myself back together.

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR | PARKING LOT - LATE MORNING

The vehicle is still sitting motionless in the parking lot. Inside, chipmunks chatter as they chew up the back seats and throw seed husks at one another. 

Bastion and Reinhardt are siting in their respective front seats, smashed as far away from each other as possible. Reinhardt sniffs and sobs softly, before leaning forward and glaring out the window. 

**REINHARDT:**  (SCOLDING)  
...Uhh, the hood.

**BASTION:**  (DEEP WHIRRING)  
[It was an accident.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...Thought so.

The chipmunks continue to bicker; they're now wrestling one another, tearing at the seat cushions.

**REINHARDT:**  
Can... can you...

Bastion forcefully rotates his torso and nabs both of the chipmunks at once; faint snapping, cracking, and squealing is heard as Bastion compresses his hand around them.

Bastion then throws the partially crushed chipmunks out of the window; they subsequently splat onto the concrete and twitch for a few moments. Bastion and Ganymede stare blankly in a moment of silence.

Reinhardt face palms.

**REINHARDT:**  
God... god damn it...  
That was.. far more disturbing than it needed it be.  
...  
C-computer...  
Resume... course... route... whatever...  
Do the thing...

The lights in the dash flicker to life as the car roars and sputters. It departs from New Grand Lake, and off to the West.

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - AFTERNOON  

Reinhardt wakes up from a rather long nap. He glances out to the side.

**REINHARDT:**  
Euhm... Wh... Why aren't we moving?

He then glances down to the dash screen. 

**REINHARDT:**  
"Route is obstructed?"   
What...?  
What could possibly be—

There is a loud thud on the left side window. Reinhardt slowly turns his head in horror as he is met with the giant tongue of a moose, slowly dragging along the glass.

Reinhardt screams.

The entire road is surrounded and covered by a herd of moose, and there isn't another car for miles.

**REINHARDT:**  
Uhhh... B-b-Bastion?!

**BASTION:**  (SUDDEN METALLIC SCREAMING)  
[WHAT?]

**REINHARDT:**  (JUMPING AND FLAILING IN THE SEAT)  
JEEESHUS, CHRIST!  
...  
Sorry.  
...  
H-h-how long... have we been stuck here?

**BASTION:**  (BOOPING)  
[Only a few hours.]  
[By the way, did you know that each of your nostrils can fit over thirteen sunflower seeds?]

Reinhardt gently reaches to the tip of his nose.

**REINHARDT:**  
...When and where did you obtain that information...?

**BASTION:**  
(NO RESPONSE)

**REINHARDT:**  (RUBBING HIS NOSE)  
So uhh... About the moose—

Bastion immediately forces himself out of the car and onto the ground. He lifelessly writhes to his feet and begins to wave his arms at the moose.   

**REINHARDT:**  
So much for my idea, then...

The moose do not react to Bastion's presence at all, and continue to graze and wander. Reinhardt honks the horn and flashes the busted lights off and on, but the herd continues to ignore it.

Bastion trots over to a bull moose and pokes it in the neck. It turns his head to him, and stares blankly. Bastion then pokes it on the nose.

After a few uneventful seconds, the moose finally responds. It begins to rear and kick its back legs, before side-stepping and smacking Bastion's head with one of its recently hardened antlers. 

A loud thunk is heard. Bastion's torso remains entirely unmoved, but his head is crooked and almost completely backwards. There is a quiet whirr as the head realigns with the rest of the body.

The moose resumes rearing and kicking, before head-butting Bastion in the chest. Bastion's body begins leaning and sliding back slightly as the moose digs into the ground, pushing as hard as it can.

Bastion grabs the moose by the antlers, and gently shoves the entire animal away. The moose awkwardly ceases to fight, then stares emptily.

Impatiently, Bastion raises his right arm and fires a few rounds at a rock in the tree line. Bits of the stone shatter and fly off, and some of the fallen leaves smolder briefly in a flash of high explosive. In the car, Reinhardt ducks.

The herd finally begins to scatter, slowly. It puts minimal effort into fleeing from the gunshots.

Bastion crams himself back into the car and welds the door shut as the moose aimlessly trot off of the road.

As the moose disappear, the car begins to pull forward. 

**REINHARDT:**  (SHAKEN BY THE GUNSHOTS)  
That was...  
i-i-interesting.   
...  
Th-thanks?

Bastion nods.

INTERIOR - UNNAMED LOCATION - EARLY EVENING

Bastion and Reinhardt have encountered a taxidermy bear in some kind of visitor's center; the bear is posed snarling, raised on its hind legs.

Rein is leaning on the wall next to the bear, standing on his tip toes, attempting to appear as tall as the grizzly. 

Bastion approaches them both, and straightens his legs like some sort of telescopic lift, until he becomes the tallest thing in the room. Taller than the ceiling, in fact.

Reinhardt scoffs, as ceiling plaster falls onto the floor.

EXTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR | NEVADA DESERT - JUST AFTER SUNSET

Bastion and Reinhardt are sitting in front of the partially crushed car, admiring the stars.

Rein points to a shooting star as it flies amongst an arm of the galaxy.

Bastion shakes his head and points in the opposite direction to a silent, near-invisible, multirole military aircraft, before it immediately begins dropping flares and guided missiles out in the middle of the desert. Reinhardt rapidly scoots away from Bastion, who is now furiously performing live maintenance.

LOS ANGELES COUNTY - NIGHT

Reinhardt is driving with all of the non-broken windows down, surrounded by sprawling suburbs. In the background, illuminated skyscrapers can be seen. Reinhardt leans forward with his mouth agape and the wind in his hair, as distant black mountains and the iconic lit-up Hollywood sign crawl into view.

**REINHARDT:**  
ALMOST THERE, MY FRIENDS!

**GANYMEDE:**  
Chirp chirp, chirp!

EXTERIOR - UNNAMED STREET - NIGHT

Beneath the streetlights, Bastion encounters a five dollar bill in the gutter. He dashes to Reinhardt, crushing and cracking bits of sidewalk beneath him, before shaking the dollar note in Reinhardt's face.

Reinhardt smiles and haphazardly attempts to push Bastion's arm away. 

**BASTION:**  (DEPRAVED, WHEEZY METALLIC LAUGHS)  
[Rein. We have to get tacos. Rein. Rein. When you find street money in LA, the only thing you're allowed to buy besides drugs is tacos.]

**REINHARDT:**  
Fiiiiiiiine.

INTERIOR - STYLISH TACO JOINT - MIDNIGHT  

**REINHARDT:**  
...Twelve dollars? For one?

**BASTION:**  (DISAPPOINTED WHIRRING)  
[These tacos cost more than 30mm rounds by weight.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...Er, what?

**BASTION:**  (DEEP, EDUCATIONAL BOOPING)  
[I mean, twelve dollars? Each?]  
[What a goddamn rip-off.]

**REINHARDT:**  
...Wait, how much is one of those rounds worth?

**BASTION:**  (BOOPING NONCHALANTLY)  
[Eh, about thirty bucks each...]

**REINHARDT:**  (MUMBLING)  
Holy... moly.  
You say that like it's nothing, but...

It's Bastion and Reinhardt's turn to order.

Reinhardt takes a moment to squint at the menu, before glancing down to the half-asleep cashier. 

**REINHARDT:**  (NERVOUSLY)  
Uhh, three... Three uhhh... house tacos... Whatever your house special is... today... I guess...

**CASHIER:**  
Alright... Threeee.... hooooouuuuse... Tacos.  
Okay.  
Pork beef lamb turkey or chicken?

**REINHARDT:**  
Ehh, beef.

**CASHIER:**  
We're out of that.

**REINHARDT:**  (FRUSTRATED)  
(SIGH)  
Pork, then.

**CASHIER:**  
Uhhhhhhhhhh.... Out of that too.

**REINHARDT:**  
Dammit.  
Can... Oh god...  
(COUGHING)  
Can I uh... have..  
(JITTERING)  
No meat please?

**CASHIER:**  
You don't want lamb turkey or chicken?

Bastion growls mechanically in the background.

**REINHARDT:**  
I... None of them. I'm allergic. T-t-to birds.

**CASHIER:**  
Lambs aren't birds, they're manuals.  
M-mammals.  
...  
(YAWNING)  
Wait...

The cashier weakly points at Reinhardt.

**CASHIER:**  
...There's a bird on your shoulder right now.

**REINHARDT:**  
OH JESUS HOW DID THAT HAPPEN

Reinhardt spontaneously brushes Ganymede off of his shoulder.

**CASHIER:**  (DISREGARDING GANYMEDE)  
Uh so you want lamb...?

**REINHARDT:**  (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)  
Eh, no.  
I really, really do not like it.

**CASHIER:**  (SIGHING)  
Hey listen our workers aren't too intelligent.   
They have to put meat on the taco or they'll literally die.

**REINHARDT:**  
Is that an exaggeration, or...?

**CASHIER:**  
Unless it's a veggie taco they can't comprehend making it differently.   
I'm sorry man I don't know how to help you.

**REINHARDT:**  
Fine...   
Lamb, then.  
(SUBTLE GAGGING)  
...  
Okay... Can I have cheese sauce...?

**CASHIER:**  
It already comes with queso.

**REINHARDT:**  
Oh. May I have extra queso, please?

**CASHIER:**  
We're out of queso.

**REINHARDT:**  (SEETHING WITH RAGE, CLENCHING HIS FISTS)  
God damn you.

**CASHIER:**  
Uhhhhhhhhhh.

Reinhardt glares silently, as Bastion spins and frolics in the background.

**CASHIER:**  
...Alright.  
(TONGUE CLICKING)   
That'll be forty-three dollars and twenty-two cents.

**REINHARDT:**  
Oh, Jesus.   
Is that a twenty percent tax?

**CASHIER:**  
Yea. So are you gonna pay or what.

Bastion slams the bill onto the counter.

**CASHIER:**  
...  
Hey that's not enough mon—

Bastion begins violently shaking his right arm over the counter, with the armor on his gun split apart. A single live 30mm round slides out of the linkless feed before it thunks onto the table; it rolls next to the five dollar note. 

**CASHIER:**  
Ooh.  
I'll take it.

Later, at the table, Reinhardt is having great difficulty eating the cheese-less lamb tacos. 

**REINHARDT:**  (WITH MOUTH FULL)  
In a way it's good, better than I had expected for lamb, but...  
This is just not my thing.  
I don't really like these avant-garde flavors.  
I swear, there's ginger or something in here...  
And brussel sprouts? As a garnish?   
I mean, who the hell thought of that?  
(CONCERNED)  
And... is that an onion? Or a fingernail...?

Reinhardt awkwardly places the unfinished taco back onto his plate, next to the two others. He sighs and leans back into his chair.

Bastion aggressively grabs all three off the tacos from Rein's plate, and promptly forces them beneath his head and into his chassis. Various pieces of smoldering taco begin flinging out of the top of Bastion's body as he convulses and writhes up and down.

Reinhardt leaves the table. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Jesus Christ.

Reinhardt points to Bastion in a scolding manner.

**REINHARDT:**  
That is...  
That is disconcerting.  
...  
...Please don't do that on Thanksgiving.

**BASTION:**  
(METALLIC SCREAMING AND ROBOTIC RETCHING)

Reinhardt brings his palm to his face. 

**REINHARDT:**  
God damn it Bastion.  
I... if you're wondering why people don't like talking to you, this is why.  
This is why.

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - EARLY MORNING    
Thursday, November 25th, 2077 - Thanksgiving Day   

**REINHARDT:**  
...Forget about the taco, er, incident, I like this new you.  
Hmm...  
Or perhaps maybe this is the old you?  
Maybe you are finally being who you are instead of what you are.

Bastion tilts his head and gazes at Reinhardt endearingly, before promptly ripping the entire glovebox out. 

**REINHARDT:**  
...WHAT THE HELL.

Bastion gently grips the lion and shows it to Reinhardt, before throwing the detached glovebox into the back seat. 

**REINHARDT:**  (DISREGARDING GLOVEBOX)  
(TEARY-EYED)  
You... you actually got that?  
For... f-for me?  
I... I don't know what to say...

Reinhardt begins to cry, quietly, before staring awkwardly at Bastion.

**REINHARDT:**  (SNIFFING)  
...Wait.   
Where did you get the money?

Bastion stares silently. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Never mind.   
It's... it's...  
I don't want to know.

Bastion reaches his arms out to Reinhardt. 

**REINHARDT:**  
Uhh?  
...  
What are you...  
Do...  
Do you want me to hug you or something...?

Bastion nods lifelessly.

Reinhardt shuffles around through the cramped car, and awkwardly reaches over to Bastion, who instantly clasps his arms around Reinhardt and squeezes. 

**REINHARDT:**  (SCREAMING)  
JESUS CHRIST BASTION, MY RIBS.  
MY RIBS, BASTION!  
(WHEEZING AND STRUGGLING)

Bastion immediately lets go of Reinhardt and slinks back to his side of the car.

Reinhardt attempts to get as far away from Bastion as possible, but without leaving the vehicle. He stares off into space for a moment, as he catches his breath.

**REINHARDT:**  
Promise me... you'll... never... do that... again.

**BASTION:**  
(BEEP BOOP)

**REINHARDT:**  
And promise me you'll never, ever tell me what that means.

END OF S1E1.

**PUSHOVERWATCH - S1E2**

"Holiday Rein-union"

(The Pilot: Part 2)

ACT I

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S CAR - LATE MORNING

Reinhardt points to the dash's half-oblliterated GPS, excitedly and abruptly.

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, we're almost to the HQ, now!

...

Ah. I'm so, so so EXCITED!

I can't wait to tell them everything...

Everything about you...

Maybe they'll finally change their minds.

If you can change, I bet they can, too.

Ah...

Haha..

I feel... fantastic.

The car approaches a fence; a large gate begins to scan the car before opening automatically.

**REINHARDT:**

Well, that was... interesting.

I guess we're welcome here?

We must be going the right way, then...

...

Euhh...

This almost looks like somebody's house...

Not like... Not like a headquarters at all...

...

...Is that a golf course?

This... this doesn't seem right!

...

But... the address is correct...

Well...

(SIGH)

I'll just call them up.

Reinhardt reaches for the dash, before immediately realizing that the radio and phone system is completely shredded.

**REINHARDT:**

...

Wait.

You broke the dash.

**BASTION:**   (WHIRRING)

[Uhhhhhhhhhhh.]

**REINHARDT:**

No, no, it's okay!

I'll just use my phone.

I mean, my phone doesn't have the same rad aesthetics as a K.I.T.T. replica, but I'll be alright without that... I guess...

...

...

...

Hello?

**SOLDIER: 76:**

...Hey

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, 76!

I think I might have the wrong address...

...

There is a private helipad and a golf course, and uh, all these fancy water features...

I have no idea where I am.

There's no armed guards telling me where to go.

I don't see any military aircraft, either.

There's not a single Overwatch logo, on anything...

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (SLURRED)

Uhh... Rein...

...

We don't have an HQ yet.

This is my house

You're in my driveway

Reinhardt's mind collapses in on itself. He is screaming internally.

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (EXTREMELY SLURRED)

Sorry gotta put you on hold real quick somebody's drowning in the refreshments

76's custom hold music, a drunkenly composed rap by himself, begins to play in the background.

Reinhardt stares blankly, drooling.

**REINHARDT:**

Am I dreaming?

Is this a dream?

What is real?

What is real?

What is happening?

What is going on?

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING AND BOOPING)

[I have no idea, but that guy sounds trashed.]

The hold music stops abruptly.

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (GARBLED AND SHOUTING)

Okay I'm back

oH MY GOD DUDE

Your car is 

It's just

I can see how bad it is from here

It's totally totaled, dude

How did that happen

Bastion retracts his head into his torso, as Reinhardt glances nervously at him.

**REINHARDT:**

Uhhhh... It was a moose... attack...?

**SOLDIER: 76:**

Aww that sucks

You went through the mountains huh Rein?

Hey come on guess what

Listen,

To this

Uhh...

I'll get it fixed for you

**REINHARDT:**

WHAT? REALLY?

Rein hangs up and then spontaneously leaps out of the parked car, before dashing towards the house. He suddenly stops, spins, then runs back to the vehicle.

**REINHARDT:**   (TO BASTION)

I, uhh... Just wait in here, for now.

Bastion stares quietly as Rein lovingly and gently shuts the door.

Rein dashes back away from the car and towards the house. As Rein dashes along the front yard, 76 exits the front door, and stumbles out onto the unfathomably expensive 3D-crafted porch.

Rein runs over to 76 and hugs him, lifting him into the air.

**REINHARDT:**

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME!

I AM SO, SO HAPPY!

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (WHEEZING)

ohhhh

I'm gonna vomit

Please put me down please

**REINHARDT:**

Oh.

Reinhardt gently stands 76 back on the ground.

**REINHARDT:**

Sorry.

...

You... You look as  **amazing**  as ever, 76!

Soldier: 76 is wearing a dirty blue polo shirt with a red-orange collar and a yellow "76" logo stitched onto the pocket. He's holding a half empty beer bottle and his feet are donned with both sandals and socks.

**REINHARDT:**

But... 76... Why are you still wearing that visor?

Unbeknownst to Reinhardt and the rest of Overwatch, the visor isn't just to improve the mysterious vigilante's vision and aim; it's also there to protect 76's identity.

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (EXTREMELY CONVINCING LIE)

...My eyes are bad and I don't wanna pay for glasses

Reinhardt takes a moment to awkwardly glance at the private multi-level parking garage annex beside the mansion. Each and every floor appears to have at least several brand-new hypercars.

**REINHARDT:**

Anyways, I just... I want to thank you.

So much. 

I'm... I'm speechless!

This is... this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

Bastion sends a death stare from the car window. He's rather...concerned about becoming a third wheel.

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (OBLIVIOUS TO BASTION)

Alright Rein I guess I'll see you inside

Your room's on the second floor

(GARGLED NONSENSE)

to the right... then

(GROGGY GIBBERISH)

Then first one on the left

After you

y-y-you...

(DRUNKEN SPITTING AND RETCHING)

After you get all your stuff

Then we can party

like

all week

I've got like six indoor bars heh

**REINHARDT:**   (THINKING TO SELF)

YOU CAN HAVE BARS IN A HOUSE?

Reinhardt comes back to the Pontiac, and smiles before waving to the passenger side. He opens the back door and takes his collapsed hammer and other things from the seat.

**REINHARDT:**   (OUT LOUD; TO BASTION)

I'm going to bring my stuff up to the guest room.

You can come inside when you're ready, I guess.

Hmm.

I'm not exactly sure how everyone will react, but hey...

It's worth a shot, right?

Bastion does not return a response and simply stares blankly as Reinhardt closes the car door, and stomps up to the mansion.

INTERIOR - FIRST FLOOR | THE MANSION

**SOLDIER: 76:**

REIN'S HERE GUYS

The room, filled with all kinds of colorful characters, floods with excitement and cheering as various members bring glasses of champagne to the air. In the back, Lúcio is the designated DJ, providing tunes for the entire party.

EXTERIOR - THE MANSION

Reinhardt is waiting outside the door, grinning from ear to ear.

**REINHARDT: (VOICEOVER)**   

I can't believe how long I have waited to see them again.

Ah...

But being in Overwatch is always difficult...

Especially these days...

...

These times have been scary.

When the world changes, your friends change, too.

...

(SIGH)

I guess change is hard to accept.

And there's no way to ever stop it.

The best I can do is to see everything for what it is.

...

Well...

Change can be good, too.

Look at Bastion...

(SIGH)

I hope they can finally accept him for who he really is.

And I hope I can accept them, too...

Reinhardt is still holding his suitcases and disassembled hammer. He twirls around, rips open the door, and then leaps inside with euphoria.

**REINHARDT:**   (HEARTILY)

HELLO MY FRIENDS!

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT!

There is more cheering. A few various objects are strewn into the air with happiness, and more bottles of champagne are popped.

**MERCY:**

I'm so happy to see you!

**LÚCIO:**

Whoaaaaaah, long time, no see!

**TÖRBJORN:**

Great to see you, friend.

**REINHARDT:**

YOU ALL HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM!

WE HAD SUCH AN AMAZING TIME!

The room quiets a bit; there are a few nervous laughs.

**PHARAH:**   (WHISPERING TO ANA)

We? He's talking about the hammer, right?

**REINHARDT:**

Ah, we saw so much along the way...

Oh, I wish you all could have been there!

Colorado was beautiful! Oh, the mountains...

And the sky in Nevada was crystal clear.

The skyscrapers in LA county are quite a spectacle.

And the tacos are, er, interesting.

Ah...

I didn't think it was possible to have fun around him.

**MERCY:**

Wait, what?

Him?

WHO?

I thought the hammer was a girl!

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, what?

Do you think I'm crazy enough to take a giant hammer into a taco restaurant?

...

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

...

I just now realize the irony of that sentence because I took a giant combat droid into a taco restaurant.

**MERCY:**

OH GOD! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT—

Bastion barges through the door with a boom, a split, and a crash, carrying 3 bags of birdseed and a suitcase labelled "Tactical Knives".

There are gasps and then silence as the music halts. Bastion stands in the crunched doorway, motionless, as the awkwardness intensifies.

The silence is interrupted by shattering glass as someone accidentally drops their champagne on the floor.

Everyone completely ignores the broken glass and remains frozen. The silence continues.

**BASTION:**   (DISAPPOINTED BOOPING)

[Well this is a pretty crappy looking party.]

...

[No music?]

[Is everybody just gonna be silent, staring at me like this the whole time?]

...

...

...

[...Was it something I said?]

Bastion glances around the room, nervously, before fixing his gaze on Reinhardt.

Reinhardt stands uncomfortably, unsure what to say.

**BASTION:**   

(INDISCERNABLE METALLIC SOUNDS)

As Bastion turns around, several people duck as he accidentally faces them with the weapon on his right arm. He solemnly forces his way back out of the doorway, closing the distorted, splintery door behind him.

**MERCY:**

Phew...

The music resumes and the partygoers return to drinking and chatting.

Bastion angrily flings open the door upon hearing the music.

The party halts instantly; several people gasp, others drop to the floor, and a few sprint out of the room.

Bastion begins to shiver slightly, holding back rage.

**BASTION:**   (SLOW, MELANCHOLY BLOOPING)

[Oh. Okay.]

[I see how it is.]

[Y-y-you know what? I'm...]

[I think I'm just gonna stay... outside...]

[Until... until the reunion's over...]

[Or maybe just... leave. Forever.]

Bastion slams the door and the party instantly roars back to life.

**MERCY:**

Oh thank god.

...

Reinhardt, are you okay?

Reinhardt is also jittering with anger and almost crying.

**REINHARDT:**

Umm... I'm f-fine. 

I just... I just need to put my stuff in the guest room.

**MERCY:**

Hey, really... 

What's wrong?

Did... did he try to dismember you again?

Reinhardt can't actually bring himself to admit that he's friends with Bastion.

**REINHARDT:**

No, I'm completely fine... 

It's... it's just nothing.

Mercy nods awkwardly with concern.

**MERCY:**

Okay, then...

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S ROOM | THE MANSION

Reinhardt gives a brief glance at the room while setting his stuff on the bed.

**REINHARDT:**

Hmm.

Oh my god.

(SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT)

There's a mount for my hammer!

A DUAL MONITORED COMPUTER!

AND... AND THE BED CAN FOLD INTO THE WALL?

The bed automatically begins folding into the wall as Reinhardt accidentally bumps a switch. Reinhardt quickly grabs it and forces it back onto the floor before it crushes his things.

Reinhardt stares quietly for a moment before dashing over to the other side of the room.

**REINHARDT:**

I have my very own couch?!

AND MY VERY OWN TV?!

(SQUEALS OF DELIGHT)

Reinhardt slowly turns his head up to the wall. There is a poster...The poster.

Reinhardt breaks down into even more tears.

**REINHARDT:**

THE POSTER! OH! OHHH! THE POOOOOOOSTEEEEEEER!

**HANZO:**

Reinhardt!

I'm in the bathroom, across the hall, and the door is closed...

But I can still hear you screaming!

**REINHARDT:**

...Sorry.

INTERIOR - FIRST FLOOR | THE MANSION

**MERCY:**

So, how have things been?

**REINHARDT:**

Should I even say?

You would not believe me...

**MERCY:**

That's not true. It's—

Hey, where are you going?

**REINHARDT:**

I am going to go and talk to him.

Reinhardt garners a few awkward stares.

**MERCY:**

What.

He's...

He's probably going to kill you. Violently.

**REINHARDT:**

No. No...

He's not... mad.

I think he's hurt.

I think you all hurt his feelings.

**TÖRBJORN:**

(SNORTING AND LAUGHING)

Bah. What feelings?

**REINHARDT:**

**...Excuse me?**

Now the majority of people in the room have focused their attention on Reinhardt. The music's volume has been lowered as well.

**REINHARDT:**

If he did not have feelings, he wouldn't be in Overwatch.

**TÖRBJORN:**

Don't you realize that we've basically kicked him out by now...?

**REINHARDT:**

Oh.

(SARCASTICALLY)

Alright.

So how'd he get invited to all this, then?

Everyone glances awkwardly at Mercy.

**MERCY:**

I... Uhm...

Everybody makes typos.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

**REINHARDT:**

So... it was you...

**MERCY:**

Ummmm... 

Hey, at least I wasn't the one who actually brought Bastion here.

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, come on!

He isn't even that bad!

Törbjorn shakes his head.

**REINHARDT:**

Everyone treats him like an incompetent, unstable child!

He acts the way he does because he is scared, but no one will ever come to comfort him.

Nobody ever gives him any sincere attention.

They're all too afraid to talk to him...

Like he's only there to make everyone else look short!

Reinhardt is standing near the doorway, making everyone else look short.

**TÖRBJORN:**   (TO REIN)

You think maybe you're projecting a little bit?

**REINHARDT:**

I—

**TÖRBJORN:**

Actually, I know you're projecting. 

Because that's what I did.

...

I used to think I could connect to him.

We were both responsible for spilled blood.

I let him join because I thought he wanted to redeem himself, too.

In that lifeless eye I saw myself, but it's nothing more than a reflection.

...

He's not capable of being a "friend" and he never will be.

He can't control himself, Rein.

He was built to kill.

It's his purpose. It's his addiction.

It doesn't matter if he's cute and he plays with all the damn butterflies, or whatever...

Don't make the same mistake I did.

**REINHARDT:**

No... no... I'll show you.

He's trying.

He's trying to be nice!

Törbjorn shakes his head.

**TÖRBJORN:**   (MUMBLING TO SELF)

Denial.

**WINSTON:**

Has he done anything nice for anyone? Ever?

**REINHARDT:**

I uhhh...

He gave Törbjorn a flower...

**TÖRBJORN:**

He later told me it was the only way for him to differentiate between me and other people in case he ever went on a spree.

**REINHARDT:**

I mean, that's still pretty considerate.

Reinhardt and Törbjorn stare grumpily at one another.

Reinhardt sighs deeply, wiping his face, as he begins to go outside. Soldier: 76 pushes through the crowd.

**SOLDER: 76:**

HEY GOOD LUCK NOT GETTING MAULED

**REINHARDT:**

Shut! up!

Rein flings himself outside and slams the door.

**SOLDER: 76:**   (SOLEMNLY)

...I wasn't being sarcastic

EXTERIOR - THE MANSION

Reinhardt sighs as he walks forward and steps off of the porch. He glances around the massive, palm-dotted lawn, before finally spotting Bastion sulking in a flowerbed.

Reinhardt cautiously begins to walk out to him.

**REINHARDT:**

Hey...

Reinhardt gently places his hand onto Bastion's shoulder.

Bastion promptly grabs Reinhardt's wrist and shoves his arm away as violently as possible.

**BASTION:**   (EXASPERATED MECHANICAL HISSING)

[DON'T TOUCH ME.]

Reinhardt rubs his arm.

**REINHARDT:**   

JESUS.

Don't...

Don't rip my hand off...

Bastion shuffles over to a different part of the flowerbed, in a manner similar to that of an aggravated crab.

**REINHARDT:**

I uh...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

About... about my friends.

**BASTION:**   (VIOLENT ROBOTIC GROWLING)

[DON'T BE. I DON'T BLAME THEM.]

**REINHARDT:**   (SHAKEN)

Come on.

It's not your fault.

They didn't even give you a chance.

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING, CLICKING, AND HISSING)

[Oh, they've given me chance after chance, for years.]

[And every time I thought it was going to be okay, I just screwed it up again.]

[I... I didn't want to hurt them...]

**REINHARDT:**

Bast—

**BASTION:**   (VICIOUS WHIRRING)

[You're the only one dumb enough to keep trying.]

[Every time I've hurt you, you just... you don't care.]

[I don't get it.]

[I mean, it's so much fun, but I don't like seeing you like this.]

...

[I mean, just give up already...]

**REINHARDT:**

Why would I want to give up now?

...

It doesn't matter if I'm bruised like an overripe banana.

It doesn't matter if I may or may not have a broken rib or two.

Er, maybe it does matter, but...

It is really, really not your fault.

And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

I can tell you are trying!

I know!

I know it's hard to fight for good when you aren't even sure what "good" means anymore...

But I know what regret looks like, Bastion.

...

...

You've done bad things, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person.

**BASTION:**   (SOLEMN BOOPING AND WHIRRING)

[Of course I'm not a bad person.]

[I'm not a person at all.]

[The court won't even legally recognize me as living.]

**REINHARDT:**

...You know what I meant.

**BASTION:**   (WHIRRING)

[I don't understand why you never give up.]

[I'm tired of trying...]

[I thought I could make friends by not mauling people.]

[For me, not mauling somebody is like an accomplishment!]

[...But it's just a normal thing.]

[It's normal to not want to maul people.]

Rein stares nervously.

**BASTION:**   (CONTINUED WHIRRING)

[I don't think anyone realizes how hard I'm trying.]

[If I'm not trying to bash their faces in or collapse their chest cavity against a wall, I'm just not interesting.]

**REINHARDT:**

That's not true. Not at all.

I mean, I had a great time with you.

Without you, I probably would have been bored out of my mind...

...

You know, you're exciting even when you're not trying to kill me.

Well, 'exciting' is probably an exaggeration...

But I've never met someone who can talk about songbirds for three hours and still have something new to say.

...

Uh... You'll probably hate this...

But I have to say it.

You are really just a bro.

Bastion instantly lunges for Reinhardt's neck and chokes him for a few seconds. Violently.

**REINHARDT:**

(GASPING)

(WHEEZING)

Bastion, shocked, lets go of Reinhardt before backing away.

**REINHARDT:**

...I take that back.

Bastion picks a flower from the landscaping, and offers it to Reinhardt. Both shake uncontrollably as they stare blankly at one another.

Reinhardt projectile vomits into the flowerbed, then quietly takes the flower.

**BASTION:**   (CONTINUED WHIRRING)

[Just go back inside.]

[They're better friends than I'll ever be.]

...

[I mean, that guy in the visor has so much money he could get you a real lion, and afford to take care of it too.]

[And he doesn't randomly try to rip people apart.]

[I guess that's a good thing, anyway...]

...

**REINHARDT:**

...W-wait... You're jealous of him?

**BASTION:**   (VIOLENT MECHANICAL SCREAMING)

[WHO ISN'T?]

Reinhardt stares blankly, terrified.

**REINHARDT:**

I... this isn't about the bottle opener, though!

You... you didn't even have to get it for me.

Actually, you really should not have gotten it, because I'm certain you stole the money, and I am also trying to drink less.

...

76 is a very generous man, but that is all he ever is.

He doesn't have the same kind of, uhh, humor that you do.

I like to be around you. 

Not next to you, of course, but I enjoy being in your proximity.

You're just different. 

Having you as a friend is just... refreshing.

...

76 just drunkenly buys anything that anyone happens to accidentally look at.

I don't care about the money, or the things...

I don't... 

(COUGH)

I don't even care about the car anymore.

I care about you because I want you to be happy.

I know how you feel, Bastion. 

I know exactly how you feel.

I know you want friends...

I want friends, too.

I want to be your friend.

Reinhardt smiles awkwardly. 

Bastion shakes uncontrollably.

**REINHARDT:**

It's hard to be calm, I know.

It's hard for me, too.

You've seen me when... you know...

And you know what, I... I believe we are more similar than you are to realize.

When you're calm, you're probably the best perso—  er, Omnic, to be around—

Bastion lunges for Reinhardt again, and lifts him partially into the air by his shirt.

**BASTION:**   (ROBOTIC SCREAMING)

[WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?]

**REINHARDT:**

(WHEEZE)

Bastion locks joints in place, and then begins to glare intensely at Reinhardt.

**BASTION:**   (INFOMERCIAL-LIKE SCREAMING)

[Listen here, you little meatbag!]

['Omnic' is not a generic term for just any droid, and I do not take it lightly.]

[I was designed and manufactured by SST Laboratories, the absolute best robotics company on this Earth.]

[I never wanted anything to do with the flimsy tinfoil corporate fops at Omnica Corporation...]

[And I'll delightfully maim anyone who thinks I'm still affiliated with them in any way at all.]

[Omnica can suck my heavy artillery if they still think I'm an Omnic just because they forced me to fight for them.]

[...Please buy SST brand espresso machines.]

Bastion's lifeless posture suddenly becomes "friendly" again. He gently places Reinhardt back onto his feet.

**BASTION:**   (QUIET BLIPPING)

[...Sorry.]

[I can't... I can't really control it.]

[Sometimes I think the only thing in my system that's stronger than bloodlust is my company loyalty.]

Reinhardt begins to dust off his shirt.

**REINHARDT:**

I'm... I'm not sure which is scarier.

The two seven-foot veterans stare blankly at one another for a few embarrassing moments.

**REINHARDT:**

Listen.

You need to show Overwatch who you really are.

But you know, for real this time.

As long as you're not lethal, you're a great Om— droid. Droid.

Behind that stiff chassis of yours is a nuclear heart of gold.

They just need to get to know you!

**BASTION:**   (BOOPING BROODINGLY)

[You don't even know me.]

**REINHARDT:**

Eh... uhhh...

I'm close enough.

...

Come on!

Let's show them how to do friendship the right way.

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING, AND MECHANICAL, DISSONANT CHUCKLING)

[You mean the Rein way?]

Rein stares emptily at Bastion, with his mouth agape.

**REINHARDT:**

Don't... don't ever do that again.

That was so bad it was painful.

**BASTION:**   (INTENTFUL, WHEEZY LAUGHING)

[I could gut you instead.]

**REINHARDT:**

**No.**

END OF ACT I

 

ACT II

INTERIOR - THE MANSION

**SOLDER: 76:**

...The hell you mean he's not dead yet?

Mercy, Törbjorn, and now Soldier: 76 are sitting next to a fancy windowsill, peeking through the autumnal curtains. Mercy has a container of popcorn.

**MERCY:**

Well, he almost lost his neck a couple times.

**SOLDER: 76:**

wow.

I haven't seen somebody gored in ages, man

**TÖRBJORN:**

Pray that it stays that way, because it could be you next.

**SOLDER: 76:**

what

Törbjorn points out the window.

**TÖRBJORN:**

They're coming back. 

Better make sure you stay off that trashcan's nerves.

**SOLDER: 76:**   (SLURRED)

aww what

Dude I never said I wanted to see anybody get gored

especially ME

...

I was making a very simple comment

in regards to... to the...

I'm not the intelligently person, okay?

Mercy continues to eat popcorn.

**MERCY:**

I'm almost disappointed.

**TÖRBJORN:**

Why...?

**MERCY:**

Well... Bastions always make a big mess, you know?

It's... it's good practice.

You know, piecing people back together and all.

Törbjorn stares silently, horrified.

**TÖRBJORN:**

...

...

...

It wasn't a typo, was it?

**MERCY:**

Uhhh...

Reinhardt nervously comes through the door, trying to coax Bastion inside like some sort of stray animal.

**SOLDER: 76:**

WOO!

You actually lived, dude

(MORE WOOING SOUNDS)

**TÖRBJORN:**

Don't let him get too cocky yet.

**REINHARDT:**   (OUT OF BREATH)

Hmph.

The fact that I am still alive...

...should say a lot...

...about Bastion, now.

**TÖRBJORN:**

Your neck is bruised.

I mean, the entire thing is red and purple.

**REINHARDT:**   (CHEERFULLY)

Ah, but it's not broken!

**TÖRBJORN:**

...You are the absolute worst kind of optimist.

**REINHARDT:**

...

...Er, why is everyone staring at us?

...

Uh... Where's the music?

...

Come on, Lúcio. Put it back on.

Lúcio peeks nervously from behind the sound booth. He had previously been cowering behind it.

**LÚCIO:**

I...

I thought Bastion had PTSD...

**REINHARDT:**

He DOES.

And I do too.

But some, uh, progressive electronic music isn't going to send him on a bout of uncontrollable murder...

**LÚCIO:**

S-sorry, man... I was uh, tryin' to be considerate.

Lucio slides up the volume.

Bastion tilts his head, and begins to listen.

**BASTION:**   (GENTLE WHIRRING)

[It's not bad.]

[It... it could be better, though.]

[Maybe if the backing and percussion was all provided by some gatling-type cannons, maybe...]

**LÚCIO:**

That... that genre doesn't exist...

Bastion directs his head facing exactly to Lúcio's position within the span of a second.

**BASTION:**   (METALLIC ROARING)

[MAKE IT EXIST.]

Lúcio yelps, before ducking back behind the booth.

Bastion continues to stare, perhaps waiting for Lúcio to come back into his field of vision.

**REINHARDT:**

Umm...

This has been surprisingly uneventful so far.

Is anybody interested in any kind of interaction, whatsoever?

Come on. 

...

Would anyone like to introduce themselves to Bastion?

...

Hello?

Anyone?

Hey!

Hanzo. You?

Hanzo glances around nervously.

**HANZO:**

Uh.

Reinhardt cautiously bends down next to Hanzo's ear.

**REINHARDT:**   (WHISPERING)

Come on, say hello.

It will make him happy.

It'll make me happy, at least...

Hanzo awkwardly tries to find a place to set his half-finished champagne, eventually before just handing it to Reinhardt.

**HANZO:**

Oh... I... Alright. Fine.

Hanzo nervously strides over to Bastion, trying to hide his jittery nervousness with a graceful, firm trot.

**HANZO:**

Uh... Hello, Bastion.

I am...

Hanzo.

Hanzo smiles weakly, with his hair ribbons flowing in the air conditioning. He reaches out his hand.

Bastion simply stares at the hand, giving off a vibe that he is unsure what to do. Hanzo motions a couple times, impatiently.

**HANZO:**   (FRUSTRATED)

Do you even know how to do a handsh—

Bastion jolts his left arm forward before grabbing Hanzo's hand as hard as he can. Bastion instantly grips and crushes it, in a sequence of sharp snaps and crunches.

Hanzo continues to smile, with tears streaming down his face as he tries his best not to scream. Bastion is gently raising his hand up in down in a lifeless manner.

As the squashing and "shaking" continues, Hanzo tries to pull his hand away. He can't get anything to budge.

**REINHARDT:**

Jesus, Bastion; let go!

Reinhardt tries to pull Bastion's hand off of Hanzo's, but his attempt fails. Bastion stares emotionlessly at Reinhardt for a moment before realizing what he's supposed to do.

Confused and embarrassed, Bastion lets Hanzo's hand free.

**HANZO:**

(GASPING)

FFFFffffff...

(CHOKING)

(SNIFFING)

Hanzo breaks down into quiet tears. He kneels onto the floor, dramatically, as he glares at his hand. 

Each and every one of his left hand's fingers are limp and floppy, with the bones misaligned beneath the skin. It's bleeding in several places and the wrist appears to be crushed as well.

**MERCY:**

Aaaaand that's why I'm here.

Mercy begins to gleefully trot over to Hanzo, skipping along like some kind of pony.

Bastion reaches his hand out to Mercy the very moment she nears.

**BASTION:**   (GLEEFUL ROBOTIC GROWLING)

[Handsha—]

Reinhardt tries his best to push Bastion out of the way.

**REINHARDT:**   (CONCERNEDLY)

**Nope.**   Nope. No more handshakes.

Mercy backs away from the wardroid, before kneeling next to Hanzo. Hanzo is now curled up into the fetal position, crying softly.

Mercy takes some kind of special medical kit from her pocket. It folds out into an even larger kit, which she begins to use on Hanzo's twitching, pulpy hand. As Mercy gets to work, Törbjorn approaches Reinhardt.

**TÖRBJORN:**   (WHISPERING)

Psst... She invited Bastion on purpose.

**REINHARDT:**   (LOUD WHISPERING)

What? Why?

Törbjorn points obviously to Mercy, who is holding back giggles each and every time one of Hanzo's fingers is gently put back into place.

**TÖRBJORN:**   (WHISPERING)

She hasn't really gotten around to fixing anybody up after the recall.

I think she invited it so she'd have something to do...

**REINHARDT:**   (LOUD WHISPERING)

Ohhh...

Bastion is looming over both Hanzo and Mercy, beeping and booping: apparently attempting an apology.

**HANZO:**   (SOBBING)

I have no idea what you're saying.

But...

Well, I... I must admit it was a nice, strong handshake...

(SNIFFING)

Bastion reaches out his hand.

**BASTION:**   (INTENTFUL ELECTRONIC WHEEZING)

[So does that mean you'd do it again?]

Reinhardt steps forward and tries to swat Bastion's hand away.

**REINHARDT:**

Stop.

Bastion awkwardly glances around the room, while shuffling and rotating insecurely.

**BASTION:**   (SAD, RASPY CHIRPS)

[I just realized everyone in the building is slowly gravitating away from me.]

Only Reinhardt, Mercy, and Hanzo remain in the front room with Bastion. Törbjorn has already waddled off to one of the private bars.

Hanzo shakes and flexes his fully-healed hand around, before standing proud and short beside Bastion.

**HANZO:**

It's probably better that less people saw what happened.

**BASTION:**   (EXCITED BOOPING)

[We can do it again to show everybody what did happen, though, right?]

Hanzo jerks away as quickly as possible.

**BASTION:**   (DISAPPOINTED BEEPING)

[I was joking...]

**HANZO:**

I don't believe that.

Hanzo receives his champagne back from Reinhardt. He pretends to sip it, while jittering up and down and glancing and swaying from left to right.

**McCREE:**   (FROM ANOTHER ROOM)

I'M DRRRRUUUNK AS A SKUNK AND TWICE AS SMELLY

YEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAW!

**HANZO:**   (APPARENTLY TALKING TO REINHARDT)

(SIGH)

I just realized how hypocritical everyone has been of Bastion.

It seems like they'd fit in just fine with all these lunatics...

**BASTION:**   (DARK, SLOW BEEPING)

[I wonder if you're a heavy sleeper.]

**HANZO:**

...What?

**BASTION:**   (DARKER, SLOWER BEEPING)

[You'd be surprised how few people are able to notice two tons of solid metal agony encroaching on their brittle, resting corpses...]

**HANZO:**

What. the. hell.

Hanzo starts to back away. Bastion follows slowly, silently...

**HANZO:**

Wilhelm, how did you even hang out with this guy? ...Droid?

Thing...?

...Wilhelm?

Reinhardt is gone. Mercy is gone, too. 

Hanzo begins to jump and look around uneasily, before turning to the side. Bastion is suddenly even closer than he was before, staring directly into Hanzo's face. 

Hanzo abruptly screams.

INTERIOR - RECREATIONAL ROOM | THE MANSION

In the background, Ana is playing pool against Winston, using Zenyatta's orbs in place of pool balls. 

Soldier: 76 is sprawled out in a corduroy armchair, holding a recently opened bottle of beer and an unfinished bowl of sour cream potato & onion chips.

Reinhardt is sitting uncomfortably in the other chair. He looks extremely annoyed.

**SOLDIER: 76**   (INSANELY DRUNK AND POSSIBLY ON SEVERAL HEAVILY REGULATED SUBSTANCES)

Listen I dont even CARE if like, you wanna do, TAKE AN ADVANTAGE OF ME

bECAUSE iM tRASHED

I don't care.

...

If you...

YOU DON'T GOTTA HOME THEN YOU GOTTA...

Gotta get a home, man.

...

Just like... I... Morning? 

'Morrow morning I'll get you an entire apartment or a house or a cabin or a submarine or whatever the frick you want, dude.

**REINHARDT:**

No, no nono... 

I just wanted to stay in the guest room you made for me, until I could get a home of my own, on my own.

...

There... There are a reasonable amount of opportunities here in LA. Usually.

If you take care of just the basic necessities, and only the basic necessities, I can get out on my own again, no problem.

**SOLDIER: 76**

Pblffbtfgblfbl. Pfft. Uhhh... rrrr...

...

Wait... why... why do you need a job...?

You have, literally, a job, right, right in here...

(GARGLING)

Uh... What were we talking about again

**REINHARDT:**

I was talking about how I wanted to live here until I could pay off my debt, then I'd get a house of my own.

**SOLDIER: 76**

(SPUTTERING)

(OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC ARM GESTURES)

Oh Yeah you can live here for tonight, uh

unless you want the condo

umm

**REINHARDT:**

What.

**SOLDIER: 76**

I already... bought... BOUGHT you a house dude. 

You can probably like MOVE in tomorrow.

**REINHARDT:**

Are you kidding me.

**SOLDIER: 76**   (SLURRED)

No, I don't do kids.

I mean, I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE.

**REINHARDT:**

(SIGH)

What.

(CONCERNED)

76, did you actually buy a house or not...?

Soldier: 76 accidentally dumps the potato chips on the floor as he reaches up to tap on the visor.

**SOLDIER: 76**   (INSANELY SLURRED)

yeah I actually did

the visor is connected to the internet

(SPITTING AND CONFUSION)

...

I buy a lotta stuff in my sleep hahaaaah

Wish you uh

COULDA SEEN angela's face when like

like

WE GOT FIFTY BOXES of MEALWORMS in the mail when my RAM sleep

uh

REM sleep or whatever...

(INCOHERENT MUMBLING)

**REINHARDT:**

Uhh... Angela lives here?

**SOLDIER: 76**

Yeaaaaaaaa so does winston

tracer miss whatever her name is

and Rpftlf... reaper

is across the street

I told you

we dont have an HQ so this is the best

shhhttttuffy option we got, man

**REINHARDT:**

Reaper? WHO?

**SOLDIER: 76**

yea he just hides all the time

Dunno who is he is he is tho

**REINHARDT:**

Isn't... isn't he a part of Talon?

**SOLDIER: 76**

No, he's not a bird

Reinhardt sighs before sitting quietly for a while.

**REINHARDT:**   (SOFTLY AND NERVOUSLY)

Listen, don't tell anyone this, but uhh...

I uhh... I was taking extra pay for a while.

A lot of extra pay.

...Without telling anybody, either.

And then I... I bought that car...

And a ton of other crap I didn't need...

Reinhardt dusts off his shirt, before looking Soldier: 76 in the eyes.

**REINHARDT:**

I just felt bad.

I got some help, started sending you back all the money I could...

I just... After the recall I got so excited.

I did a lot of things I shouldn't have.

I thought it would be fun, but it's just been years of hell for me.

I didn't know what I was doing...

I don't really know what I'm doing now, even.

**SOLDIER: 76**

Don't worry man I just like paid it all off

I wasn't really like

wasn't sure how in debt you were

so i just sent over like a few million

**REINHARDT:**

ARE YOU SHITTING ME.

**SOLDIER: 76**

dude you like

need to CHILL

RIGHT NOW

CAUSE LIKE...

Zenyatta, Ana, and Winston are staring awkwardly, now.

**SOLDIER: 76**

why do you care so much about EARNING things

Just... pfpggpf... relax, man.

take the celery. Salary.

just take it

stop worrying

(DROOLING)

STOP WORRYING.

Reinhardt leaves the room.

**SOLDIER: 76**

hey RRRRRbbp... Reinhardt do you like

do you ever wonder what it's like

to be a table

...

...oh gawddammit he's gone

INTERIOR - UNNAMED ROOM | THE MANSION

Mercy appears to be giving Bastion a tour.

**MERCY:**   (SHAKILY)

...and this? This thing right here, on the wall?

This is called...

a television.

**BASTION:**   (OFFENDED BOOPING)

[I know what a goddamn TV is.]

...

...

...

[Can I have an actual tour, please?]

Mercy leads Bastion to an adjacent room.

INTERIOR - DINING ROOM | THE MANSION

**MERCY:**   (NERVOUSLY)

Alright. Fine.

This... this is a dining room.

People... dine here.

**BASTION:**   (DISAPPOINTED WHIRRS)

[Oh, come on.]

[Forget the tour...]

[Can I just have some regular social interaction, please?]

**MERCY:**

Well, uhh...

What's a good conversation starter?

**BASTION:**   (VIOLENT, MONOTONE BLIPPING)

[The M61 Vulcan is a six-barreled 20mm-caliber hydraulically-driven air-cooled rotary cannon that was typically mounted to the F-16 Fighting Falcon and was also included in the Phalanx C-RAM syste—]

**MERCY:**

SOMETHING BESIDES THAT.

**BASTION:**   (MELANCHOLY BOOPING)

[The GAU-8 is a seven-barreled 30mm-caliber hydraul—]

**MERCY:**

NO THANK YOU.

Here, could you uh...

I'll just show you the kitchen.

Mercy leads Bastion to one of the kitchens, trying to keep him far away from any fragile objects. Nevermind the fact that basically everything becomes fragile when exposed to a 7'3" war machine.

INTERIOR - KITCHEN | THE MANSION

This kitchen seems to be arranged similarly to the kind you'd see in a fancy restaurant. There is enough space for several chefs, and there are cabinets upon cabinets of exotic ingredients, stored in some kind of compressed light file system. 

Despite the kitchen's upscale appearance, there are countless casseroles scattered across counters, all with mismatched pans, potholders, and silverware. There are several hundred flash drives of peanut butter stacked in one corner, and many massive kettles of mashed potatoes simmering on top of the stoves.

**MERCY:**

I'm not really sure how good this stuff is going to be.

I don't really wanna bag on any of the other member's cooking, but...

I doubt it's homemade. Half of these are probably downloaded right off the internet...

And not to brag, but...

The red velvet cupcakes I made were totally homemade. Really popular.

Bastion lets out a few chirps of anticipation.

**MERCY:**

Uhh, they're already gone.

Erm...

Uh...

Sorry about that.

...

...Er, why would a robot want cupcakes, anyway?

For the bird, maybe?

Bastion glares quietly.

**MERCY:**   (NERVOUSLY)

Don't worry, uhh...

I'm sure we'll find more desserts on one of the disks Mei brought.

I doubt they'd be as good, though. Heh.

Hey, you know what?

I can make another batch.

Go find Winston, okay? 

He can show you around the rest of the house while I make more cupcakes.

Mercy's cupcakes are actually downloaded off of the internet and take absolutely no time to prepare. She's just trying to get Bastion as far away as possible.

**BASTION:**   (SAD WHIRRING)

[I'd really like to tell you about the M230, though...]

**MERCY:**

There'll be plenty more time to talk later, don't worry.

Umm... Actually, probably not though. I definitely don't have a lot of time to talk.

I'm usually busy doing... things... that aren't talking.

Uhh...

Please don't walk closer to me. 

What... what are you doing...

You... You realize how hard I have been trying not to fly into some kind of mental breakdown this whole time, right?

Bastion...

Your feet are literally leaving craters in the tile.

This is obsidian. Actual obsidian. FROM A VOLCANO.

And it's broken now.

It's gone.

You ruined it.

You did.

So uhh...

Yeah.

Can you just leave so I can cry alone, now?

Bastion stares emotionlessly before spontaneously frolicking away. He leaves more cracks in the floor, of course.

**MERCY:**

God damn it...

INTERIOR - PRIVATE BAR | THE MANSION

**REINHARDT:**   (TIPSILY)

AHAHA! AND THAT IS WHEN I SAID,

'YOU DAMN, DIRTY HOOLIGAN! 

'STEALING FROM THE INNOCENT IS NO WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS.'

I SLUGGED THE SON OF A BITCH RIGHT IN THE NOSE!

SENT HIM FLYING, FOUR FEET, DOWN INTO A WALL!

OH, THE REST OF THEM LEARNED THEIR LESSON VERY QUICK...

Reinhardt immediately quiets down as Bastion taps him "gently" on the shoulder. The people sitting next to Reinhardt scoot away as they notice the droid.

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, uh, hi...

**BASTION:**   (WHIRRING)

[...Is that how you always talk when I'm not around?]

[I... I thought people were exaggerating your voice...]

**REINHARDT:**

I, uhh... er...

That's... that's... uhhh...

Reinhardt nervously swirls the drink in his shot glass.

**BASTION:**   (BLOOPING)

[Is... is it because I'm not as fun to talk with, or is it because you're drunk?]

**REINHARDT:**

I... I can't lie to you anymore.

It is a little bit of both...

Bastion shakes his head before solemnly lumbering off into the doorway. The very moment he disappears into the shadows, Reinhardt starts up again.

**REINHARDT:**

Ohhh, OHHH! Have I told you the tale...

OF THE HAUNTED PT CRUISER FROM HELL?

SO, I WAS ON THIS DARK ROAD, AND...

Bastion shakes his head once more as he slinks out of the bar.

INTERIOR - HALLWAY | THE MANSION

**WINSTON:**   (RELIEVED YET TERRIFIED)

OH, there you are, Bastion!

Bastion simply does not respond. 

Winston adjusts his glasses.

**WINSTON:**   (ATTEMPTING TO BE AS POLITE AS POSSIBLE)

Apparently Mercy told you to find me, but...

Uhh...

Then she told me to go find you.

Weird how that all works out, huh?

Bastion avoids eye contact with Winston, and simply gazes at Ganymede instead.

Winston pulls a note from his pocket, and begins to read pieces of it aloud, and nervously.

**WINSTON:**   (UNCONVINCINGLY)

'Hey, you're doing pretty good today.'

'Not bad.'

(COUGHING)

'My man!'

'You're doing fantastic!'

'Look at you, you're going to do great.'

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bastion is completely unconvinced by the script.

Winston carefully puts the note back into his pocket, careful not to make any sudden moves.

**WINSTON:**   (NERVOUSLY)

Alright. Er...

Listen, Bastion, I've only had to fix four chairs, several appliances, and even though I'm probably going to have to repair an entire car...

Uhh...

I can honestly say it's a lot less to clean up than '070.

I... Whatever you're doing differently this year, keep doing it.

**BASTION:**   (NERVOUS BOOPING)

[Wait, you've noticed?]

**WINSTON:**

Huh. Yeah.

That's... I guess you're putting effort into not smashing everything this time?

You haven't started any fires yet, either, so that's good.

Oh, uhh...

...

Mercy... wanted me to talk to you... I guess...

Umm...

I guess because you're.. 'lonely'...?

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

'Everybody gets lonely,' so uhh...

Bastion...

You're staring at me and it's... it's making me very, very nervous...

I'm... I'm just going to let you start the conversation first.

Go ahead...?

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING, BOOPING, AND METALLIC ROARING)

[Oh I hardly know where to even start...]

[My favorite things to talk about are, mmm, probably birds. I love birds. I've always wanted to go to Australia, they have great birds. Emus, fairy wrens... Oh, the wrens with the purple crowns! Yes... And pink robins. They're pink, not red... it's amazing, right? Yeah... Kookaburras. Wonderful. Sometimes I wish I could laugh without sounding like a pervert. Oooh. Man... It sucks how radioactive it is there, you know? I mean, it's not a problem for me. I'd love to see somebody gutted by a radioactive cassowary, you know? Sometimes you need some decaying isotopes to add that extra UMPH to evisceration. They have an interesting roundel, too. A kangaroo. If only radiation worked like it did in cartoons. We could have bird kangaroos. They'd have to change the roundel... It'd be interesting. Ooh... New Zealand has a kiwi. Kind of funny, cause... it's flightless. It's a kiwi, right? They're putting a kiwi on their jets. Oh. I love jays... What's your favorite kind of jay?]

**WINSTON:**

I... I'm afraid that I lost you, there.

**BASTION:**   (ROBOTIC SCREAMING)

[WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF JAY?]

**WINSTON:**

(TERRIFIED SILENCE)

Bastion raises his right arm gun to the air, before splitting open the "wrist" and extending the cannon barrel.

**BASTION:**   (NONCHALANT ELECTRONIC GROWLING)

[Sometimes I wonder how far I could fit this up into somebody's nostril.]

**WINSTON:** (SHUDDERING UNCONTROLLABLY)

I don't see how that even... relates to...

Hey, Bastion, is that a uh... a bluebird?

Bastion instantly flings his torso around backwards to stare down the hall.

**BASTION:**   (JOYOUS SCREAMING)

[WHERE?]

Winston makes a run for it. 

Bastion completely ignores the fleeing gorilla, and then spends many entire minutes trying to find a bluebird in a well-maintained, well-lit hallway.

INTERIOR - KITCHEN | THE MANSION

**MERCY:**

...I don't blame you.

Just... You don't have to actually talk to him.

Sorry about that.

Just make sure he doesn't break anything.

**WINSTON:**

He's... he's broken a lot of things.

**MERCY:**

Eh... Umm...

Then, uh, try and keep him from just breaking more things, I guess...

Oh, jeez...

Oh...

What are we gonna do at dinnertime?

**WINSTON:**

Oh my.

Well, I was thinking... 

Umm...

We sit him as far away from everyone else as possible.

**MERCY:**

Wait, you don't have any special inventions for this?

**WINSTON:**

What?

Inventions, for this... extremely specific situation?

Angela, I don't spit out perfect, single use novelty machines for unique scenarios like some kind of cartoon character.

Sometimes the best solution... is just the simplest one.

Keeping Bastion at a distance is a lot simpler than trying to kick him out...

He... he resists a lot... You know....

As much as I'd like to see a one-sided fistfight like that again, we don't need that to happen... again.

**MERCY:**

This... this is going to be insane.

I'm not sure what to do.

I really, really regret this.

I shouldn't have invited him...

I... I didn't even think Rein would actually bring him here...

**WINSTON:**

Angela, come on...

Don't doubt yourself so much.

Everything is going to be just fine.

INTERIOR - DINING ROOM | THE MANSION - EVENING

Everything is not just fine.

There are four banquet tables, but all of Overwatch seems to have forced itself onto the rightmost one. At the leftmost table, Bastion is sitting alone on top of a broken, flattened chair. He repeated bashes the table and occasionally throws an expensive china plate into the chandeliers.

**WINSTON:**

I don't think... anyone enjoys being in this room.

At all.

**LÚCIO:**   (WHINING)

...My mac n' cheese just tastes like fear.

**REINHARDT:**

Guys... 

I... I don't think this is a good solution!

Reinhardt picks up his plate, and starts to inch across the room, to the leftmost table.

**WINSTON:**

I don't think that's a good solution, either.

(SIGH)

Rein's gonna get himself pulped...

**MERCY:**

(STRANGE EXCITED SQUEALING)

**WINSTON:**

Uhh...?

**MERCY:**

I uh... I had something caught in my throat.

**WINSTON:**

Okay, then...

...

**REINHARDT:**   (TO BASTION)

Hey.

I don't think they should've made you sit here.

It's just... disrespectful.

**BASTION:**   (ANGERED BOOPING)

[I don't even... I don't even mind!]

(MANIACAL, WHEEZY LAUGHTER)

[Look at this. I've got an entire table to myself.]

[I'm definitely okay with this.]

**REINHARDT:**

You don't sound okay.

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING)

[You don't sound okay, either!]

[Where's that lovely, booming voice of yours, huh?]

**REINHARDT:**

...I don't like to yell at you.

**BASTION:**   (OFFENDED CLICKING)

[You're just scared that you'll get too loud and piss me off, or something.]

[And then I'll impale a goddamn chain cannon into your diaphragm.]

Bastion motions to Rein's chest with his right arm weapon.

**REINHARDT:**

(MILD GAGGING)

(COUGH)

No, I just...

I just like to relax, you know?

When I'm around you I get so scared that, like, the fear factor gets too large and it just resets back to zero.

Like, er...

Data overflow...?

**BASTION:**   (OFFENDED WHIRRING)

[That's not a compliment.]

Over at the other table, Törbjorn and Lúcio briefly fight over rolls. Törbjorn wields a cob of sweet corn, and threatens Lúcio with it. Lúcio submits, not not before splatting potatoes onto Törbjorn's nose.

**MERCY:**

Hey, play nice.

**LÚCIO:**

Aww man.

If we all gotta be smashed together at this stupid table, why not make it enjoyable, y'know?

**TÖRBJORN:**

That enjoyable aspect would quickly, quickly dissipate if I ever actually got around to using that there corn on you, Lúcio.

**LÚCIO:**

Pfft. 

There's people who probably pay to get beat by sticks of corn...

Hanzo chokes. Tracer snorts a bit of champagne through her nose.

**LÚCIO:**

It wasn't that funny, was it?

C'mon. I was serious.

**TÖRBJORN:**

Are you... are you dropping hints?

You like corn, Lúcio?

Törbjorn raises the corn into the air.

**HANZO:**

What the hell is going on.

Lúcio pokes a slice of ham with his fork and begins to lift it into the air.

**LÚCIO:**

Torby, only if you let me stick this lovely little ham in your face first—

**MERCY:**

Boys, cut it out!

**TÖRBJORN:**   

(FAKE COUGHING)

It's your fault we have to sit together, Angela.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Ahem... the robot.

**MERCY:**

...I know.

Umm...

Listen, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize he wasn't actually going to kill anyone.

Lúcio leans into the center of the table.

**LÚCIO:**

...I thought not killing people was a good thing?

**MERCY:**

I mean, uh, he's just...

He's just being annoying.

And he's just running around, breaking things on accident.

Mostly. Mostly on accident.

**TÖRBJORN:**   

You wanted him to kill somebody, didn't you?

So you can practice all that resurrection of yours...

**MERCY:**

Oh...

Come on, guys.

Where else am I going to get dead people?

Everyone at the table is now staring at Mercy. Across the room, Bastion and Reinhardt are staring, too.

**REINHARDT:**

Oh god.

**BASTION:**   (CONCERNED WHIRRING)

[I... I've spent this entire time trying not to kill people and now this bitch says that's what I was supposed to do?]

**REINHARDT:**

No, no no no!

That's not what you're supposed to do!

Not anymore, at least!

No matter how much that primal desire digs at you, don't kill anyone!

PLEASE!

Bastion angrily slams a cup of hummingbird nectar onto the table.

**BASTION:**   (ANARCHIC BEEPING)

[You know what, Overwatch sucks ass.]

[Look at them. Pathetic.]

Törbjorn is now repeatedly bopping Mercy with a cob of corn. She is sitting grumpily with her arms crossed, and corn juice in her ponytail. Everyone else is trying to hide behind each other.

**REINHARDT:**

You know what?

You're right.

This isn't Overwatch anymore...

IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF COWARDS, DRUNKARDS AND MISFITS, WHO CAN'T LEARN TO GIVE A DROID SOME DAMN RESPECT!

Everyone turns their gaze abruptly to Reinhardt. Törbjorn continues to bop Mercy with the corn as he stares blankly.

Bastion rises up from the crushed pile of chair, and starts to stomp over to the other table. A few people duck underneath, or run to the side; Törbjorn simply stares, unmoving, as Mercy cowers.

Bastion rips the corn cob from Törb's hand and throws it thirty feet away and into a wall.

**MERCY:**

Oh.

Uhh. 

Thanks...?

Törbjorn watches silently, in both confusion and fear.

**BASTION:**   (TIRED BEEPING)

[Do any of you motherfuckers realize that I don't want to kill anybody?]

[Any of you?]

Everyone stares blankly, blinking slowly and shaking.

**BASTION:**   (UPSET WHIRRING AND BLOOPING)

[It's really, really hard not to lacerate people into little tiny pieces when it's like they are literally pressuring me to do it.]

[Everybody's like, 'boo hoo, I hope Bastion doesn't kill anybody,' but then you're there sitting with a bucket of goddamn popcorn, waiting for me to rip Rein's spine out!]

[As much as I want to do that, I actually... don't want to do that.]

[If you guys would just stop bein' a bunch of bastards, that'd be appreciated.]

[I... I just wanna talk about birds and shit.]

Zenyatta raises his hand.

**ZENYATTA:**

I would love to talk about birds and sh— stuff.

**LÚCIO:**   (MUMBLING TO SELF)

Aw man I thought Zen was finally gonna cuss for a moment...

**ZENYATTA:**

Those kinds of words often signify anger.

As of now, I feel no anger.

...

Bastion, what is your favorite kind of bird?

**WINSTON:**

Oh, Zen's going to regret tha—

**BASTION:**   (EXTREMELY LOUD BEEPING, BOOPING, AND SCREAMING)

[Holy hell man I just... Oh. OHHHH. ARRRRRGHHH.]

(SOMEWHAT SUGGESTIVE ROBOTIC SOUNDS)

[I... I love a lot of birds. All of them. They're great. Great. Ahaha... Ha... Oooh. My favorite? my FAVORITE? Well uhh... there's... there's just so many birds... Oh my god. Hey. My favorite has this really, really unique cry, like, like...]

(EXTREMELY SUGGESTIVE MECHANICAL MOANING)

[That... that's not what it sounds like. It definitely doesn't moan like that. Sorry. I got a bit excited. That was an accident. It's... it's uhh... Oh my god, I'm so excited! You guys have no idea. It's amazing. I'm so happy. Whoa. WHOA. OH. YES. YES.]

(VERY, VERY DISTURBING AND CONCERNING BEEPING AND GROANING)

[Anyways, it... my favorite bird? It's huge one. Like really big. It's got this big, big... thing... and... Its cry, it's... Oh. OH! OHHHH!]

Bastion becomes far too excited and promptly rotates his torso, lowers the cannon, and locks the feed system and ammo drum into place. His shoulders forcefully rotate forward to shield the forearms, and the joints between his extended knees lock up, too.

**BASTION:**   

( **BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT** )

A flurry of depleted uranium incendiary rounds is unleashed into the buffet, splattering everything, everywhere, in a flash of fire and debris. Simultaneously, Bastion spits seventy aluminum shells onto the tile, before contorting and whirling back into his reconnaissance form.

**BASTION:**   (HORRFIED, SAD BEEPING)

[That's... that's... er...]

[That was also an accident, but...]

[That's the sound the bird makes...]

**WINSTON:**   (SHAKING AND TERRIFIED)

HUH? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Lúcio waves his arms and points to Winston, before pointing to his ear.

**LÚCIO:** (HORRIFIED)

WHAT?

**WINSTON:**

HUH?

**MERCY:**

ALL I HEAR IS RINGING.

**WINSTON:**

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

**SOLDIER: 76**

HUH?

Reinhardt had apparently followed Bastion over to the rightmost side of the room. He is now hiding under the table, crying and sobbing; he is so large that the entire table is raised partially off of the ground, and plates on top are slowly sliding off.

**SOLDIER: 76**

REINHARDT YOU'RE STEALING ALL THE LEGROOM FOR YOUR ENTIRE BODY

**REINHARDT:**

(DEEP, INTENSE GERMAN CRYING)

**MERCY:**

WHAT?

**SOLDIER: 76**

GALRGAG RGLAR GAGAR GARBRG ABRRGSB.

**MERCY:**

WHAT?

Bastion leaves the room, embarrassed.

**SOLDIER: 76**

YOU KNOW

I ACTUALLY KIND OF WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF BIRD THAT WAS

**LÚCIO:**

WHAT ABOUT CHINA, NOW?

Genji is just running around in circles, screaming "MADA MADA" and "MAWP" over and over.

Mercy eventually gets tired of the tinnitus and fixes everyones ears using some kind of B.S. science that's basically just magic.

**MERCY:**

Wow.

**LÚCIO:**

What... damn. That was... crazy.

I will never take hearing for granted, ever again.

Soldier: 76 kicks underneath the table.

**SOLDIER: 76**   (SLURRED)

reinhardt

pls

REINHARDT

can you move your entire body

away

please

**REINHARDT:**   (SOBBING)

Can you get your sweaty, dirty feet out of my armpits first?

At least put on some damn socks!

**SOLDIER: 76**

oh ok

**LÚCIO:**

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS!

**REINHARDT:**

WHAT?

Reinhardt jolts out from beneath the table, spilling everything, everywhere.

**LÚCIO:**

Check this out!

Everybody!

Lucio sticks his finger into some crispy mashed potatoes that had been slathered along the floor. He's careful not to get any wooden splinters or uranium penetrators in the handful of potatoes he takes.

**LÚCIO:**   (WITH MOUTH FULL)

THIS IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER TASTED.

Others stare awkwardly, before Hanzo slinks over. He takes a spoonful of incinerated mac and cheese, and nervously eats it. For several moments, he appears unimpressed by the taste... After a few more seconds, his eyes widen and he starts to eat the mac and cheese as rapidly as possible.

**HANZO:**   (WITH MOUTH FULL)

IT TAHSTES LIKE FIREWORKS.

AND CHEESHE.

OH MY GOFHH.

Everyone is now fighting over the BRRRRRT'ed buffet. There's fist fights and drunken brawls; mostly in good fun.

**MERCY:**   (EATING QUESTIONABLY RADIOACTIVE HAM)

Okay so maybe this didn't turn out so bad after all.

Please bring Bastion next year.

Oh my god...

THIS WAS SO WORTH IT.

**REINHARDT:**

You are eating burnt... ham.

Burnt by 30mm high explosive rounds, nonetheless.

I seriously doubt that is healthy in any possible wa—

Mercy shoves a handful of ashy, splattered cheddar scalloped potatoes into Rein's face.

**REINHARDT:**   (WITH MOUTH FULL)

OH MY GOD.

THAT IS... AMAYSHING.

**MERCY:**   (MUFFLED)

I TOLD YOU.

Reinhardt grabs a partially shattered glass bowl of crunchy, smoldering cornbread stuffing.

**REINHARDT:**

I have got to tell him about this.

I don't think he has ever made any of you happy before!

I bet he will be overjoyed to know that he's finally being appreciated!

**MERCY:**

Hey, careful, now!

**REINHARDT:**

I'll be fine.

Quit acting like you are so concerned.

I know you want me to get squashed.

Reinhardt marches out of the dining room, stuffing his face while being careful not to eat any glass.

INTERIOR - MASSIVE HALLWAY | THE MANSION

Bastion is sulking in a corner, next to a potted plant.

As Reinhardt approaches, Bastion crushes the plant beneath his palm.

**REINHARDT:**   (MOUTH STUFFED)

Ah? 

What was that for?

**BASTION:**   (ANGRY BOOPING)

[It was fake.]

Bastion dramatically turns his entire body around backwards, to face Reinhardt.

**BASTION:**    (ANGRIER BOOPING)

[Fake plants are worthless.]

[...Sort of like me.]

**REINHARDT:**

Oh.

...Please don't say that. 

Have you not seen what happened?

You're not worthless!

Everyone loves the buffet you obliterated.

I'm serious.

This is the best stuffing I've ever had.

It's like fumes, dirt, and boiled eggs or something, now...

But it's good.

It has a wonderful smoky flavor!

**BASTION:**   (SAD BOOPING)

[I guarantee you that everyone'll suddenly hate me again if I go back in there.]

**REINHARDT:**

No no no, don't you understand?

People are literally praising you!

**BASTION:**

[...How do I know you're not making all this up?]

Reinhardt stares quietly, chewing stuffing.

Bastion aggressively jolts towards Reinhardt, and rips the broken glass bowl of stuffing from him. Bastion then crushes the entire thing, violently, through a cavity and into his metal frame, destroying and shattering it almost instantly. The aroma of burning, burnt stuffing wafts through the air as glass cracks and crinkles.

**REINHARDT:**   (CONCERNED, CONFUSED AND STAGGERED)

...

...Don't ever do that again.

...

There is smoke pouring out of... every single part of you now.

Are you okay?

Bastion is shuddering uncontrollably, and contorting subtly at various angles.

**REINHARDT:**

Eh.

Knowing you, you're probably just fine...

Umm...

Come on.

Don't be so... sad.

I promise you, I'm not lying!

You're not as bad as you think.

Reinhardt motions for Bastion to follow him back to the dining room.

INTERIOR - DINING ROOM | THE MANSION

There is still a bit of smoke trailing from the top of Bastion's body.

**MERCY:**

...Oh.

(SNIFF)

Oh god...

Jeez...

What is that smell?

Bastion stumbles nervously.

**MERCY:**

(SNIFFING BASTION)

It's... amazing...

Bastion awkwardly pushes Mercy away, before glancing over at Zarya, who is now retching violently.

Zarya begins to projectile vomit all over the table; followed by Lúcio, Pharah, D.va, and then Hanzo. A few other members are struggling to not be sick, but the reflex is contagious.

Reinhardt covers his mouth and gags.

**MERCY:**   (UNPERTURBED)

Yeaaaaah... I...

I don't think food doused in giant bullets is exactly... healthy...

**WINSTON:**

I REGRET EVERYTHING!!!

Winston begins to dash towards the bathroom.

**MERCY:**

Welp, Bastion, it looks like you might just end up killing somebody today.

...through food poisoning.

I'm not sure whether to be proud or disappointed.

END OF ACT II

 

ACT III

INTERIOR - LIVING ROOM | THE MANSION

Overwatch is sitting awkwardly on various fancy couches; everyone appears to be sick out of their minds.

**HANZO:**

...It was worth it.

Hanzo coughs, before jumping off the couch and running to the bathroom.

**HANZO:** (FROM DOWN THE HALL)

Still worth it!

(GAGGING)

There are a few awkward moments of silence.

**McCREE:**

...I hate Thanksgiving.

...

Bye y'all.

McCree coughs, sniffs, and awkwardly stumbles to his feet before leaving the room. His spurs click and jingle down the stairs and soon, the main entrance door is heard slamming.

Over time, more and more members vanish from the couches, either heading to their guest rooms to sleep, or just heading home entirely, some without even saying goodbye. 

Only Reinhardt, Solider: 76, and Bastion remain in the room, now. 

Reinhardt and Soldier: 76 are sleeping. Both are snoring. Loudly.

**BASTION:**   (BEEPING)

[Guys?]

Bastion begins to poke Reinhardt.

**BASTION:**   (LOUDER BEEPING)

[Guys?]

Bastion grabs Reinhardt by the shirt and begins to shake him around in an unreasonably violent manner.

Reinhardt screams.

Soldier: 76 screams.

**BASTION:**   (AWKWARD BOOPING)

[...Sorry.]

...

[Everybody's gone to sleep, or gone home, or whatever.]

[But you're still here.]

[I'm still here...]

Reinhardt rubs his eyes.

Soldier: 76 attempts to rub his eyes too, but simply smudges the visor.

**REINHARDT:**

Urm... What time is it...?

Reinhardt glances up to the clock. It's almost midnight.

**REINHARDT:**

Oh, sh... Crap!

I...

...Oh.

Oh no...

...

76!

**SOLDIER: 76:**

huh???

Reinhardt gestures nervously to Soldier: 76.

**REINHARDT:**

The car?

Bastion?

The house?

We were supposed to talk about this!

**BASTION:**   (ALERTED CLICKING)

[HOUSE?]

**SOLDIER: 76:**

oh, yeah

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Soldier: 76 continues to "umm" for almost an entire minute.

**REINHARDT:**

What are we supposed to do?

I have a room, but...

There's... there's nowhere for Bastion to stay here, is there?

**SOLDIER: 76:**

er

...the couch?

**BASTION:**   (CONFUSED BLIPPING)

[...What couch?]

Bastion is sitting upon a crushed mess of wood, stuffing, fabric, and other various tattered pieces.

**REINHARDT:**

I...

I don't mean to be insensitive, but after the car is fixed, I don't want you back in it, Bastion...

Bastion whirrs with disappointment.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

WAIT A MINUTE

IT WATN'T A GOT DAM MOOSE NOW, WAS IT!?

Bastion squeaks and hides his head in his torso cavity.

Soldier: 76 yawns, and stretches awkwardly, all while glaring at Bastion.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

dude, tho...

You like...

you actually let him in that car???

Reinhardt sighs.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

and... and my house...

what about your new house...?

**REINHARDT:**

...I do not even know what the new house looks like, or where it even is.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

well

Then you probably wouldn't care if Bastion like

accidentally completely exploded it all up then, right?

**REINHARDT:**

...

I...

...

Okay. 

No.

I don't want to just... completely tear up a brand new house.

It is a gift. I don't want to disrespect that.

I just... 

I completely forgot about Bastion, honestly.

I want him to have a place to stay, but I feel like that house should stay off limits to him...

Soldier: 76 basically ignores everything that Reinhardt just said.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

...but aren't you two like best buds now

Following that statement, Bastion starts to move uncomfortably close to Reinhardt. Reinhardt promptly scoots away.

**REINHARDT:**

No.

Absolutely not.

We're... acquaintances.

Soldier: 76 laughs and snorts awkwardly.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

...oh damn it i got snot on the visor

(LICKING)

...

rein ya gotta stop lying, man

(COUGH)

You guys are literally friends now

everyone can tell.

Reinhardt facepalms.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

it really honestly isnt a big deal

if you like

crush your new house

i'll even fix it for you duuuuude

...

ok

If having friends makes you happy

then you guys like

you gotta stay friends

Reinhardt laughs, half smiling, half angry, and partially crying out of confusion.

**REINHARDT:**

...Excuse me.

Sorry.

I always tell myself that I will not get emotional, but...

I just can't handle it.

...

(SIGH)

We can just talk about this later.

We should talk about this later.

I am going to have to go to bed, soon.

I'm... I'm just going to stay here for the night... Since...

Since I don't have a choice, really.

...

Sorry if I, uhh...

If I got all angry, earlier.

You're just trying to help me.

I shouldn't be fighting your generosity!

...

Umm...

I hope you don't mind me asking, but where did you get all the money for this, anyway...?

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (EXTREMELY SLURRED, SLOBBERY YELLING)

the answer is:

GOVERNMENT COMPENSATION.

only prob is that the feds er always tryin to invade our GOT DAMN PRIVACY

Quick cutaway flashback scene to Soldier: 76 in the shower.

There are beer bottles stacked next to each and every soap container, and 76 is trying to scrub his armpit with an orange. He's still wearing the visor and screaming homemade rap lyrics obnoxiously out loud. 

Eventually, a quiet whirring is heard under the running water and lyrics. Soldier: 76 ceases to sing and promptly peeks out from behind the plush, double-layered shower curtains.

A small spy drone is hovering in the midst of the steamy bathroom, facing directly towards Soldier: 76. The frosted glass window above the toilet has been opened.

Soldier: 76 promptly leaps out of the shower and throws the orange right at the drone, knocking it from the air. He splashes water all over it, pours beer into it, and covers it in dog shampoo before climbing over the toilet, throwing the drone out of the window, and shaking his fist angrily.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

GOD DAMN FBI CIA WHATEVER THE HELL

ME AND MY GOD DAMN ORANGE NEED SOME GOD DAMN ALONE TIME

End of cutaway.

**REINHARDT:**

Well then.

(YAWN)

Listen. I've...

I've got to go to bed.

I'm tired. Really.

And awfully sick...

**SOLDIER: 76:**

aren't we all

Bastion whirrs and stares grumpily.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

oh yeah

i forgot about that lucky metal son of a BITCH

who never gets sick

or anything

or  

 or

(GARGLING)

**REINHARDT:**

Wait, Bastion, do you ever get... er, viruses?

Glitches?

**BASTION:**   (MONOTONE ELECTRONIC SCREECHING)

[THE SST LABORATORIES LINE OF AUTOMATONS POSSESS ALL POSSIBLE CRITICAL SECURITY MEASURES AND CAN OPERATE WITH COMPLETE MENTAL STABILITY.]

**REINHARDT:**

Oh.

There goes your company loyalty again.

Bastion smacks himself on the side of the head a few times, before shuddering.

**BASTION:**   (RASPY, DISAPPOINTED BOOPING)

...

[Literally all of that was false.]

[It's been like forty years. Why do they still make me say this shit?]

Reinhardt cautiously lifts himself from the couch.

**REINHARDT:**

I'm not sure if I want to know, honestly.

**...**

Ah. Alright.

I've got to go to bed now, or else I'll never fall asleep.

Bastion, just...

I'm sure you'll find somewhere to stay for the night.

I mean, it's not like you even need sleep, anyway...

Erm...

**SOLDIER: 76:**

hey, rein

wake up early tomorrow, k?

**REINHARDT:**

Uhh... Okay.

...What time?

**SOLDIER: 76:**

like uhh

Ten o' clock at least, man

**REINHARDT:**

...Ten?

Well, I...

I can't complain about that.

Welp.

Goodnight, 76.

Soldier: 76 gurgles a bit of nonsense in response.

Reinhardt turns from the couch and promptly smacks his forehead into the doorway. He curses, then slinks through the door.

After Reinhardt disappears from view, Bastion turns his head around a full 200 degrees to stare backwards at Soldier: 76.

**SOLDIER: 76:**

so bastion

are

are you going to sit

there

All night

and 

and just stare at me like that

**BASTION:**   (INTENTFUL MECHANICAL GROWLING)

[Perhaps.]

Bastion leans closer and closer until he is infringing terribly onto 76's personal space.

**BASTION:**   (WHEEZY, BROODING BEEPING)

[You'll just have to wait and see.]

**SOLDIER: 76:**   (NONCHALANTLY)

okay

sounds cool

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S ROOM | THE MANSION - EARLY MORNING

Reinhardt twitches faintly, with his eyes still closed.

**REINHARDT:**

...Ah.

Good morning, hammer—

Reinhardt mumbles a bit more nonsense, before finally opening his eyes.

**REINHARDT:**

...

Goddammit.

It's still dark.

What... what time is it?

**BASTION:**   (WHISPERY BOOPING)

[It's time to go back to sleep.]

Reinhardt flails and yells, before kicking against the bed and flinging his head into the wall.

**REINHARDT:**   (HALF WHISPERING, HALF SCREAMING)

OW!

DAMMIT!

BASTION!

WHY THE HELL—

WHAT

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO GOD DAMN CREEPY?

**BASTION:**   (CONFUSED BOOPING)

[Everything is going to be okay.]

Bastion reaches for Reinhardt's shoulder in an attempt to "comfort" him. Reinhardt jolts away almost instantly.

**REINHARDT:**   (HORRIFIED)

Bastion, you...

Your hand...

How... how is it so cold?

Did... were you in a freezer or something?

How did...

It's actually colder than the room.

What the hell.

Bastion stares silently. His eye is the only light in the entire space; occasionally it fluctuates in brightness, but only briefly.

**REINHARDT:**   (SHAKILY)

I'm not... I'm not going to be able to sleep with you in here.

I'm not sure if I'd rather have this, or sleep paralysis, again.

At... at least I can move.

And breathe.

**BASTION:**   (DEEP CHIRPING)

[I can change that for you, if you'd like.]

**REINHARDT:**   (CONCERNED)

What.

There are a few gentle clicks, soft whirrs, and a quiet metallic ring.

**BASTION:**   (INTENTFUL ROBOTIC WHEEZING)

[Breathing is overrated, no?]

**REINHARDT:**

BASTION.

GET OUT.

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!

The light from the eye disappears with a click.

**REINHARDT:**

...I know you're still there.

...

Bastion...

What do you even want from me?

Come on.

If I hide under the covers, will you leave?

Bastion responds with a grating, electronic whirr.

**REINHARDT:**

I'm going to take that as a... yes.

Goodnight.

Reinhardt flings the covers over himself as rapidly as possible. His feet are still hanging off of the end of the bed, however.

**REINHARDT:**   (THINKING TO SELF)

Please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me

**BASTION:**   (DEEP, ROBOTIC GROWLING)

[Rein.]

[Rein...]

[You're my best friend.]

[I want to tell you a story.]

[You know...]

[A bedtime story, to help you sleep.]

Reinhardt mumbles and groans angrily from beneath the blankets.

**BASTION:**   (UPBEAT WHIRRING)

[Once upon a time, there was a little attack role aircraft.]

[All the other aircraft said that it was obsolete.]

[But the little attack role aircraft was armed with a two ton hydraulically driven gatling cannon.]

[And then it killed everyone.]

[The end.]

**REINHARDT:**   (MUFFLED)

...

...That didn't even make any sense.

Not that I wanted it to, anyway...

**BASTION:**   (CHEERFUL, OMINOUS BOOPING)

[Well. I have another story.]

[Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty bird.]

[Pretty bird... pretty bird... Such... such a pretty bird.]

[But everyone said the pretty bird was ugly.]

[Because it had two turbofans embedded right into its face.]

[So everyone just... Uhh...]

[Then the bird ate everyone.]

[The end.]

**REINHARDT:**   (MUFFLED)

WHY DO YOUR STORIES ALWAYS END WITH EVERYONE DYING?

**BASTION:**   (NERVOUS BOOPING)

[Uhhhhhhhhhh.]

**REINHARDT:**   (MUFFLED)

You know what, I don't care anymore.

Just...

You can stay here all night.

I give up.

I'm just... I'm going to pretend you're not there.

And then everything will be just fine.

Bastion begins to hum and sing randomly. Reinhardt shivers and takes a few extra pillows and covers his head with them.

INTERIOR - REINHARDT'S ROOM | THE MANSION - LATE MORNING

Reinhardt is mumbling nonsense again, completely oblivious to the time.

A large, frigid metal hand begins to poke Reinhardt on the side of the face.

Reinhardt simply murmurs and twitches.

The hand eventually grasps Reinhardt's entire face and begins to shake his whole cranium back and forth.

Reinhardt screams.

**REINHARDT:**   (MUFFLED)

BASTION GOD DAMNIT

(GASPING)

Bastion removes his hand from Reinhardt's face.

**BASTION:**   (EXCITED BEEPING)

[Good morning.]

[...friend.]

Reinhardt takes a minute or so to regain his composure.

**REINHARDT:**   (SHAKEN)

...

...

...

Eh... What time is it?

**BASTION:**   (BOOPING)

[Ten o' clock, right on the money.]

Reinhardt excitedly jolts out of bed, instantly smacking his forehead into Bastion's chest.

**REINHARDT:**

...OW.

Bastion shuffles out of the way as Reinhardt rises to his feet. Reinhardt spends a few moments trying to untangle himself from the comforters.

Reinhardt, after escaping the bed, giddily dashes out of the door, careful not to bump the top of the doorway. His hair is an absolute mess of static.

Reinhardt zips and zigzags through the layout of the mansion, up and down stairs, side to side through every door, exploring and searching for at least fifteen minutes— only to run into Bastion again, outside of 76's bedroom.

**REINHARDT:**

...

...

...How did you get here so fast.

Bastion tilts his head and simply stares.

**REINHARDT:**

...Nevermind.

Reinhardt knocks on the door.

**REINHARDT:**

76?

Are you there?

Are you still sleeping?

Helloooooo?

Reinhardt knocks even more rapidly.

**SOLDER: 76:**

(MUFFLED BLABBERING)

The door swings open. 

Behind the doorframe stands Soldier: 76. He appears to be unusually well groomed, and cloaked in a dark magenta robe.

**REINHARDT:**

...You smell like oranges.

**SOLDER: 76:**   (PROUDLY)

yes.

**REINHARDT:**

Uh.

...Why are you leaning in the doorway like that?

...

Soldier...

...

It's making me uncomfortable...

Bastion slowly approaches Reinhardt from behind, then promptly begins to caress him with two tons of jagged uranium and steel.

**BASTION:**   (DEEP WHEEZING)

[You call that uncomfortable?]

Reinhardt squirms away.

**REINHARDT:**

...God damn it Bastion.

The three members idle awkwardly for several moments, trying to forget everything they just saw.

**SOLDER: 76:**

why are you up so friggin' early, man

**REINHARDT:**

It's 10:00.

Soldier: 76 sighs, then flicks his wrist and lifts his robe to stare at a completely non-existent watch.

**SOLDER: 76:**

actually it's like 9:53

**REINHARDT:**   (HOLDING BACK FRUSTRATION)

...

...

...

You asked me to get up early, okay?

I'm awake now.

If this is so early for you, then what is so important?

Soldier: 76 stares blankly and tiredly for a few moments.

**SOLDER: 76:**

OH

OHHHH

CRAP

**REINHARDT:**

...Yeah.

**SOLDER: 76:**

DUDE

THE GARAGE

GO NOW

WINSTON

TALK

TALK TO WINSTON

Soldier: 76 slams the door.

Bastion and Reinhardt exchange concerned looks for a while.

INTERIOR - THE GARAGE

Reinhardt is wandering about the garage, glancing at some sort of handheld device, as Bastion wanders and follows aimlessly behind.

**REINHARDT:**

This is like... some sort of labyrinth.

...

Bastion?

Uh.

...Bastion?

Are you okay?

Bastion is shaking, twitching, and staring intently at the various sportscars.

**REINHARDT:**

You look like you want to hurt those.

**BASTION:**   (DEEP, OFF-KEY BEEPING)

[THERE ARE THINGS I'D DO, WORSE THAN HARM...]

**REINHARDT:**   (CONCERNED AND MILDLY DISGUSTED)

Let's... let's go to a different part of the garage.

Come on.

Bastion...

Reinhardt pokes Bastion and attempts to get him to follow. Bastion simply turns his head and glares to Reinhardt, emotionlessly.

**REINHARDT:**

Come on.

If we're going to talk to Winston, you'll have to be on your best behavior, now.

People are slowly warming up to you.

Don't ruin that chance by...

by... Uhhh...

Doing whatever it is that you want to do to those cars.

**BASTION:**   (ENTICING BOOPING)

[Wonderful things.]

**REINHARDT:**

(SARCASTIC LAUGHTER)

Ha ha ha ha.

...

...I hate you.

Reinhardt and Bastion eventually come upon a well-lit workshop. There are shelves upon shelves of unique parts, with tools mounted and strewn across the wall. In the midst of the wide, industrial room, is a perfectly refurbished black Pontiac Firebird, sleekly reflecting the lighting fixtures.

Reinhardt, flooded with excitement, is unable to even speak.

**REINHARDT:**

(TEARY LAUGHTER)

(JOYOUS BLUBBERING)

Winston, on a wheeled computer chair, rolls out from behind a desk. He had been previously concealed by a pile of various parts and holographic computer monitors.

**WINSTON:**

Oh.

Hi there.

**REINHARDT:**

(EUPHORIC SQUEALING IN GERMAN)

**WINSTON:**

Heheh.

It's a pretty nice car, you know.

...especially when it's not crinkled up like some kind of candy wrapper.

Winston scoots the chair closer, before removing a pencil from his mouth and setting it on a small shop table.

**WINSTON:**

So, uhh...

Last night, 76 told me you were a bit concerned about Bastion.

He made a few suggestions for the car.

I mean, he was really really drunk... 

But dang, if he didn't have some good points...

Reinhardt is now jumping up and down, clapping, and squealing like a little girl.

**WINSTON:**

Anyways, I worked with a few of my friends over the internet.

You'd be surprised what fifteen bored aeronautics engineers and a gorilla can accomplish in twelve hours with enough alcohol and peanut butter!

(DEEP CHUCKLING)

(AWKWARD PAUSE OF SILENCE)

...I've been polishing the safety features, don't worry.

Winston clicks a button and enters a code on the car keys.

The Firebird whirrs, rumbles, and jolts, before the doors and rooftop extend and rotate; brilliant forcefields then appear between each of the separated pieces of the car. The room inside has nearly doubled, and some of the parts have even rearranged or folded themselves, giving the entire vehicle a more contemporary, jet-like appearance.

**WINSTON:**

It's self repairing, too.

As long as Bastion doesn't try to tear it to pieces, it'll handle pretty much everything he throws at it.

Reinhardt drools.

**BASTION:**   (INTENTFUL WHIRRING)

[...Can it hold up against forceful physical contact from six hundred pounds and four feet of steel?]

**WINSTON:**

Uhh.

...No.

Not really.

Don't... don't do that. 

Whatever you're thinking of doing.

Please.

Bastion whirrs disappointedly.

As Bastion weeps and Reinhardt laughs with even more intense euphoria, the phone embedded into the car begins to ring.

**REINHARDT:**   (EXTREMELY EXCITED)

Oh!

May I?

**WINSTON:**

Umm.

...Sure. Why not?

Reinhardt immediately flings himself towards the car and takes the call. Before he can even answer, Soldier: 76 begins to scream over the speakers.

**SOLDIER: 76**   (FROM THE PHONE)

HEY WINSTON

WINSTON YOU STILL IN THE GARAGE

Winston waddles over and peeks into the car.

**WINSTON:**

Indeed!

**SOLDIER: 76**

IS REINHARDT THERE

**REINHARDT:**

YES—

**WINSTON:**

Certainly!

**SOLDIER: 76**

IS THE CAR IN WORKING CONDITION

**WINSTON:**

Affirmative!

**SOLDIER: 76**

oh btw is it street legal???

**WINSTON:**

Absolutely.

**SOLDIER: 76**

dude

thats so cool

so like

winston

take rein to the house.

its on the gps now, right?

**WINSTON:**

Concurred!

**SOLDIER: 76**

okay have you run out of fancy words yet

**WINSTON:**

Unquestionably so, unfortunately.

**SOLDIER: 76**

...

...

...

ok bye

Soldier: 76 hangs up, abruptly.

Reinhardt has somehow already gotten into the car; he is now comfortably aligned into the driver's seat, happily bouncing up and down. He seems rather impressed by the legroom.

Winston crawls into the back seat, rather excited as well.

**REINHARDT:**

BASTION!

HAHA!

IT IS YOUR TURN TO GET IN!

**WINSTON:**   (CONCERNED MUMBLING)

Let's see how this works...

Bastion forces himself into the car as violently as possible, apparently attempting to put it to the test. 

As Bastion crushes them, few of the cracked and damage car pieces begin to repair, patching themselves with hardlight before welding themselves back together from the inside.

Bastion glances around awkwardly, seemingly feeling disappointed that he hadn't damaged the car as much as before. 

An unfamiliar, yet familiar, robotic voice begins to emanate from the dash.

**(???):**

Well.

That wasn't so bad.

Reinhardt smiles, screams, and snorts.

**WINSTON:**

Oh, yeah...

I forgot to introduce you to your new friend!

Reinhardt, Bastion; meet H.E.L.M.!

H.E.L.M., meet Bastion, and Reinhardt!

The control yoke rocks back and forth excitedly.

**H.E.L.M.:**

Hello, Reinhardt.

Reinhardt honks the wheel's horn excitedly in response.

**REINHARDT:**

HELLO H.E.L.M.!

**H.E.L.M.:**

Heh.

This must be a dream come true for you.

Ready to go?

**REINHARDT:**

YES YES YES

YES YES YES

YES YES YES

**H.E.L.M.:**

Alright, then.

As always, I'll drive.

Reinhardt makes a noise not unlike that of a deflating balloon.

The vehicle begins to pull out of the workshop, before winding down the personal parking garage's various floors. After a while, it pulls out into the front driveway, before passing the landscaping, gliding through the gate, and coursing into the crisp, polluted L.A. air.

END OF S1E2.

 


End file.
